DISCLAIMER:
None of the copyrighted material in the following work, anime or otherwise, belongs to me. It belongs to somebody else. Tenchi Muyo is the property of Pioneer/AIC. Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. Akira is the property of Katsuhiro Otomo and the Akira Commitee. Patlabor: The Mobile Police is the property of Manga Entertainment. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the property of Best Brains inc. All other anime portrayed or referenced is the property of their respective creators, their companies, and shareholders. Please don't tell otherwise. They have the power to sue me. I, however, am as poor as the Russian middle-class, so they can't expect a miracle. What little I DO have goes into paying for my cable connection so I can make fun of really bad fanfiction. I do this instead of getting a job and making money. Go figure.
DISCLAIMER ENDING, LET THE RIFFING BEGIN!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Opening Theme: "Tank!" by Yoko Kanno
Picture a place in the space between the different aniverses. The most quiet, empty, black, infinite place where you have an almost zero percent chance of ending up. Where anything can happen, and probably will, thanks to Chaos Theory.
Due to those wacky laws of thermodynamics being up to their old tricks with a little help from Cap's Tolp device, the spaceship "Hamdinger", under the command of Captain Twister and the SAL9001 AI unit, and the Galaxy Police cruiser we'll call "Yukinojo" under the command of Detective First Class Kuramitsu Mihoshi have become uninvited residents of this place, which we'll call a Tolp hole, being the creative ones we are. Is there no way to escape?
Fear not circumstancial victims, for Washu-chan, the greatest scientific genius in the aniverse, has come to the aid of the ships, which have been scattered all across space-time. Not to mention the motley crue of anime characters that were somehow teleported there. While this may (should) be a simple process, all is not well. Sal's circuitry has been infected with the worst anime fanfiction imaginable, and none can determine the location of the Hamdinger/Yukinojo until they've all been cleared! An otaku's worst nightmare brought to... an MST series. The only way to suffer through bad fics, as well as being the only way to clean them, apparently.
These are the records of the Hamdinger Fanfiction Research Team. These are its members:
********************************************************************** CAPTAIN TWISTER: The head honcho by default. (I'm bishonen! Sugoi!)
AKANE TENDO: Mallet specialist/den mother. (Ranma, you jerk!)
NOA IZUMI: Loveable Labor pilot/tomato connoiseur. (I WILL keep our sanity!)
KANEDA: The heavy artillery/anime old-timer. (Whoa, I'm HOW OLD?! Young whippersnappers...)
Recording by:
MIHOSHI KURAMITSU: Gets updates on Sal, looks after the ship while the crew is in the theater. (Cap's got Moldiver! Sugoi!)
YUKINOJO: The AI chosen to talk to Sal. (Dear Tsunami, RUN EVERYONE! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!)
and, of course:
SAL: The ship's omnipresent, sentient, highly clever AI with infinite naughty tentacles, sex drive, and a Fatora complex. (WOOHOO! Five on the deck! Wait a sec... make it six. ^_~)
Let the madness begin.
********************************************************************** THE HAMDINGER MSTS: EPISODE THREE:
NEEDFUL THINGS AGAIN! EVERYBODY LOVES RAGUN?! ______________________________________________________________________ (The crew enters the theater. Seating from left to right is Noa, Twister, Akane, Kaneda. Too simple? Maybe it's just me...)
KANEDA: I swear to God, if this is another "Nude Striker"- NOA: (To Kaneda) DON'T... finish it. AKANE: If it is, can we leave? Can we?! TWISTER: No, but I remembered the bucket this time.
The story arc Needful Things and all its sequels belong to a series called The Odd Man Out.
(All look up at screen for a minute...) TWISTER: All right, are we up for this? KANEDA: It's the good lemon! AKANE AND NOA: It's a lemon. -_-
All current parts can be found at https://members.tripod.com/ballisticsausage/index.html
TWISTER: I thought of a really hentai reference, but at least it's "Needful Things".
Needful Things
NOA: Ryoko and Ayeka aren't "things", you chauvinistic lingerie monkey! TWISTER: Noa, be nice.
chapter two: Desperate Measures.
KANEDA: (narrator)In today's fic, Tenchi Masaki has had enough and launches his ballistic- AKANE; (mallets him) *WHAM!* It's bad enough I have to be stuck here with HIM! (points to Twister) TWISTER: ... What?
A Tenchi Muyo TV series lemon comedy by Nugar.
AKANE: Fanboy lingerie enthusiast. TWISTER: Extraordinaire. NOA: Esquire.
Email the author at kichigai@tds.net with any comments.
(I could, but this too much fun. ^_^ ~Mr. Twister)
All characters and situations copyright their creators, Hiroki Hayashi and Masaki Kajishima,
TWISTER: BOOOO!
and AiC and Pioneer and are used without permission.
NOA: Define "used". OTHERS: Noa! NOA: What?
This is a nonprofit work only.
AKANE: Nugar, a charitable hentai. KANEDA: Please sir, may I have some more? THE GIRLS: *groan*
"He doesn't have any other girlfriends."
KANEDA: (whoever's talking) Ryoko diced one, Ayeka bugzapped the other, Mihoshi *accidentally* blew one away, Washu dissected one, and Sasami- NOA: (To Kaneda) Stop. AKANE: ... fired a ballistic sausage.
"No, that time I followed him all day, he barely said 'hello' to any other girls."
KANEDA: If it's Ryoko talking, I can only guess why. TWISTER:(Ryoko) How many ways do you think I could kill you, bitch?
"Despite your opinion, he's not an alpha male. He's just not the man's man type."
AKANE: At least, we HOPE not. THE GUYS: Yuck.
"More like a woman's man."
NOA: *snort* TWISTER: He's just impossibly lucky. AKANE: *coughmihoshicough* TWISTER: (glances at Akane, but says nothing)
"Yes, that certainly seems obvious. What is it about him that attracts...
KANEDA: Flies?
Ah, yes. I remember now."
AKANE: F.W.F.S. OTHERS: Huh? AKANE: Fanboy Wish Fulfillment Syndrome. (Others try to pronounce it. Akane sweatdrops.)
"I thought you might. Even Kiyone an' Mihoshi are attracted to Tenchi."
ALL: WHAT?! AKANE: MAYBE Mihoshi in the TV series, but Kiyone said she was too old! NOA: (Kiyone) My drink tastes kind of weird, Tenchi.
"Yeah, and having to compete with your own sister hardly makes the chase fun." *sigh*
TWISTER: Well, we know that was Ayeka, but Sasami doesn't feel that way about him!
"I've seen the looks Sasami gives him when she thinks none of us are watching.
KANEDA: AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
I love her to death, but when it comes down to it..." The unspoken threat hung in the air.
AKANE: (unspoken threat) Sheeee's ooooonlllyyyy eeeeiiiight... OTHERS: (sarcastic gasp)
"Yes, well, she's too young to worry about. Tenchi is a true gentleman, and he treats Sasami like his own sister."
NOA: Yes.
"True. Unless, you don't think... ?"
ALL: NO!
"Never! I would know if Tenchi had any feelings like that towards my sister. There was that time in the bath, you know."
KANEDA: Ryoko was in the way, though.
"I know, I know, I just can't help but be suspicious. Love makes us funny.
NOA: That's the series' premise. At least, the OAVs. KANEDA: Without the humour, we'd just have "No Need For Swimsuits". TWISTER: I thought that episode was kind of funny, but for other reasons.
_Why_, just tell me why he won't respond to my advances? And no cracks about him not wanting someone like me. Let's be serious, here."
KANEDA: Then, it's back to the slapdash humour. TWISTER: Don't you mean slapstick? KANEDA: Not in this Universe.
"The thought hadn't crossed my mind. Really."
ALL: Un, hunh.
"Un, hunh."
ALL: WE said that!
"Maybe he is only attracted to earth girls?"
AKANE: I don't know, are we talking about the Tenchi from Shin- TWISTER: SHUSH!
"In case you hadn't noticed, we both look like earth girls.
TWISTER: Right down to the spiky, cyan hair, bust of 45, all sorts of impossible powers... AKANE: Purple hair, log shields, red eyes, space trees... pop culture.
Better, even. And you dress enough like these simpering little housewives that I find it hard to believe he could tell the difference."
TWISTER: He just might, if he looks reeeeaaly hard.
"So that thought is out. And we've both played hard to get. If anything he was relieved."
AKANE: So, they let him go to the bathroom by himself, now? KANEDA: They got him trained pretty good.
"That was nasty. One of your worst ideas yet."
TWISTER :(looks at previous lines) I'm confused, it it *Ryoko* who's playing hard to get? KANEDA: (sarcastic) Whoa, she's _good_.
"Like your 'space slut from hell' tactic was doing any better."
NOA: As opposed to "Hell Slut From Space"? TWISTER: Now, THAT'S something I'd wanna MST! NOA: I know. -_-;
"Well, that's it, I guess."
"What?"
"He must be gay."
AKANE: More TU humour. TV Ryoko'd sooner rape Tenchi than say he's gay. OTHERS: She tried. AKANE: OKAY, so my comment was off!
"It would explain much... But let's not be hasty here. Surely there is some explanation, some way we can win Tenchi's love."
TWISTER: Like buying the rights to the series.
"How? We've already went through the book four times! It's three in the morning, I'm tired, you look like hell, and we're still no closer to our goal!"
NOA: (Ryoko) And first period starts in an hour! TWISTER: It never started late enough.
"I don't know about _you_, but I refuse to give up. I will go through this book again and again, and if I still don't find the answer, I will look elsewhere!"
KANEDA: Logic! AKANE:(to herself) *This from the kempatsu...*
*sigh* "Never say that a princess has more dedication than a pirate. Gimme that thing."
AKANE: Do I hear a _please_?
****************
TWISTER: It's Independance Day!
Kiyone awoke to her alarm clock far, far too early in the morning.
KANEDA: And then, the alarm goes off. I hate that! TWISTER: I have to get up before you. KANEDA: When?! TWISTER:................. a while ago.
She shifted slowly, stiff and sore from her night in the chair. One questing hand grabbed the clock off the floor and brought it to her bleary eyes. She read the time, groaned, and switched the alarm off before dropping it to the floor and closing her eyes again. It would take her a few minutes to marshal the strength necessary to simply move, much less make it through the day.
Less than a minute later, her hand once again flicked the switch, turning the alarm clock off.
One eye popped open. The alarm was still going.
NOA: Monday alert!
"Oh, no..." she groaned, identifying the buzz this time. "Not now, not this." She covered her head with her pillow and turned.
KANEDA: (Kiyone) Not the predawn fanboys!
Finally, a sense of urgency spurred her on, and she rose to get ready.
"Mihoshi! We've got to get to work!" she yelled, banging on the door.
"In a minute!" came the cheerful reply. "I'm almost finished!"
"Damn it, Mihoshi!" Kiyone growled. "Quit spanking your cabbit and get out here! We're going to be late!"
ALL: ........................ TWISTER: I just learned a new euphemism. A good one, too. AKANE: If I hear "spanking" and "Cabbit" in the same sentence again...
Kiyone would curse the day Mihoshi got that damned thing.
Often.
KANEDA: Regularly. AKANE: Weekly. TWISTER: Daily. NOA: Every hour, on the hour.
****************
TWISTER: All-American anime. OTHERS: (glare at him.) TWISTER: ...I apologize.
"Alright. What do we know about Tenchi's mother?" Ryoko asked, leaning her head back against the edge of the luxurious furo Washu had created for the women of the house.
ALL: Oooooo... aaaaaaaaahhhh... TWISTER: Arrr...
They had both fallen asleep at the table where they had sat at the entire previous night, and now they were cleaning up after they had finally awoken around lunchtime.
Ayeka held up one finger. "Well, for one, she's no longer with us. She died when he was very young."
KANEDA: Uh-huh...
"Yeah," she said, nodding.
"Two," Ayeka continued, "He's very fond of his memories of her, and misses her dearly."
NOA: Who wouldn't?
Ryoko nodded again.
"Three, she took care of her family first and even helped at the shrine. She was an excellent cook and kept the house spotless."
AKANE: I assumed that, but we don't have much to go on.
"Old news there," Ryoko replied.
"Four, she liked to do housework in the nude."
TWISTER: Well, we knew thaaaaa-HELL?!
Ryoko started to nod, then sat up spluttering. "Do _what_?"
AKANE: Was she THAT risque in the movie?! NOA: Well, _I_ know who to blame. -_- TWISTER: Achicka-san, we hardly knew ye...
Ayeka glanced over at her in surprise. "What, you mean you didn't see that photo album Mr. Masaki had in his hentai manga collection? Only he knows why he put it there, but there it was. I flipped through to see what it was, and there,
NOA: *grumbles*
in an eight by ten on the first page, nicely bordered I might add, he apparently liked it, was a picture of Tenchi's mom posing with the vacuum in the living room, and Tenchi was riding on it, also naked."
TWISTER: Runnin' runnin' runnin' SENTENCE! BOUNCE UP- AKANE: (mallets Cap) *WHAM!*
"Tenchi?! Naked?" Ryoko asked excitedly, skipping straight to the important bits.
KANEDA: JEsus, calm down, girl! AKANE: Ca-ffeine...
"Oh, do calm down," Ayeka said peevishly. "He was only about two at the time."
TWISTER: I bet Kajishima WOULD throw that in there. -_- NOA: Are you another one one of the "I Hate Kajishima Because He Likes Incest" people? TWISTER: No, but after reading the Shin Tenchi novels, I'm convinced he can't tell a story at all. Judging by the interview about OAV3, I have a feeling I'll be very upset.
Ryoko was visibly disappointed. "Oh, well, why didn't you say so in the first place?"
KANEDA: (sarcastic knee-slap)
Ayeka sighed.
"Anyway," Ryoko began, "We've got a lead here! The book talks about odepial complexes getting started early, and we've got photo evidence that Tenchi watched his mom run around nude when he was young.
TWISTER: That's an "oedipal" complex. AKANE: EEEewww! >_<
Maybe, after her death, he subconsciously searched for another mother, or someone who acted like his own, and isn't showing any interest in either of us because neither of us is anything like his mother!"
NOA: That's why most men marry women like their mothers, right? TWISTER: It's not something I think too much about, thank you. KANEDA: I got a mother? AKANE: (To Kaneda) And she's SO proud of you!
Ayeka raised one eyebrow dubiously, but Ryoko continued speaking.
"So in order for us to really attract his attention, we need to project a strong motherly attitude. Make sure he eats his vegetables, doesn't run with sissors, cleans his room-"
AKANE: Make sure he doesn't join a gang and does his schoolwork... KANEDA: HEY! NOA: And learns to spell "scissors"...
"And I suppose you're going to start cooking, too? After what happened last time? I'm sure he'll really make the connection between you and his mother then. I'm sure his mother regularly set the kitchen on fire."
AKANE: (Achika) Sorry dear, but yes, we're having KAIN again. (smiles all around).
"Umm... I'll help Sasami. Besides, there's always housework."
Ayeka laughed. "You're going to vacuum in the nude?"
KANEDA: (Ryoko) I'm gonna jump Tenchi in the nude, too! AKANE: Okay, it's only funny if we didn't see it coming. KANEDA: I had to say somethin'!
She nodded. "Sure, why not?"
TWISTER: Yeah!
Ayeka laughed again, and held up her hand. "Well, for one," she said, ticking off a finger, "it would be very improper."
AKANE: (sarcastic) For fanservice?! REALLY?!
She ticked off another finger. "Two, it would be awfully shocking to everyone else. Including, I might add, his father and grandfather.
AKANE: (Nobuyuki) It's always nice to see such a beautiful young lady without any inhibitions. Do you see that, dear?! NOA: (Katsuhito) MmmmmmmmmHMMmmmm...! ^_-
And lastly, you'd just embarrass him."
KANEDA: I wonder how he gets an erection with all those nosebleeds. OTHERS: Kaneda!
Ryoko looked away, rethinking her plans. "Well, I'd just be sort of naked."
"Sort of naked?" she repeated questioningly. "How can you just be sort of naked?"
TWISTER: (Miracle Max) She's only MOSTLY nude. NOA: Quick, give her a miracle pill! AKANE: Only with this writer, it's the Miracle "Collection". TWISTER: (remembers the "gag gift") *shudder*
"I'd wear, you know, _some_ clothes. Just a few. Maybe a cut down maid outfit."
KANEDA: I dunno, I just can't picture Ryoko as May.
"Hah!" she laughed, pointed an accusing finger at the pirate. "The last time you were in a maid's uniform you did nothing but sleep. I doubt this time would be any different."
"Hmmph. I guess you're planning on overseeing every little thing I do to make sure it conforms to whatever ideas you have of cleanliness, oh Princess?" Ryoko retorted.
NOA: (Ayeka) And just WHY would you object to an airtight suit?!
Ayeka turned her nose up. "Well, at least this way we'll actually get some help out of you around the house, even if it takes watching you prance around half-naked to do it. I, on the other hand, will try a more conservative approach."
"Like?" her rival asked.
"I," replied the princess, pointing to herself, "will dress much as his mother did when she wasn't posing for a family portrait and be as attentive as only a mother, or a wife, can."
AKANE: Oh, so _Ayeka_'s going to vacuum in the nude? KANEDA: Maybe...
"Deal," Ryoko replied. "Between the two of us we should be able to nail this. I'll be the naughty mommy and you can be the proper mommy." She held out her hand to seal the deal.
NOA: "Naughty Mommy"? EEEEW! >_<
"Good," Ayeka said, accepting the hand. "One of us is bound to succeed."
KANEDA: Or kill each other trying!
Of course, each of them was certain that she would be the one.
NOA: I've noticed something. Thise two team up with a crazy plan in every spinoff, and they end up failing every time. TWISTER:(To Noa) Was that a joke or an observation? NOA: ...I'm not sure.
****************
The next night, they reconvened over the book to scratch off yet another possible explaination.
NOA: Are they correcting spelling mistakes?
"That's not it."
TWISTER: Yes, it was.
"Nope. Not it."
TWISTER: (To Ryoko on screen) Must you disagree with everything I say?!
They sat in silence, stareing at nothing in particular as they considered their various failures.
AKANE: Biiiig list.
It hadn't been a success. It hadn't been a disaster, which was rather more to be expected, but it hadn't been a success. It hadn't really been anything at all.
TWISTER: It's like "The Night Before The Carnival", revisited.
They had given it two nights and a morning, all the time Tenchi had been there, and had shown remarkable restraint.
KANEDA: That guy's just not aware!
Ayeka was both busy around the house and completely attentative, yet had avoided being clingy. Ryoko, too, had been busy with housework, yet took the time to subtly bend over and display various portions of her anatomy in Tenchi's general direction, all without being blatant about it.
NOA: (Ryoko, with French accent) I FLASH in your general direction! TWISTER: (Tenchi) You been, uh, working those calves, Ryoko? KANEDA: (Ryoko) You notice?
Tenchi hadn't even noticed, other than to compliment Sasami for another wonderful meal. He hadn't even seemed to notice that they had helped out more than usual, and the second night he had pleaded exhaustion and gone to bed early.
KANEDA: Right after a nice, cold shower.
Thus they ended up sitting around the table with the guide to men between them, unopened.
"You know..." Ryoko began, then stopped.
"No, what?" Ayeka asked, looking at her rival.
"It's almost like he's taking us for granted," she finished.
KANEDA: Holy sh*t! NOA: Who? Tenchi?! AKANE: Noa, you've really been out of character up here. NOA: What?! No, I haven't! Sh*t! OTHERS: (sweatdrop) TWISTER: Okay Noa, it was funny at first. NOA: *sigh* Okay, I'll just be IC Patlabor Noa. Happy? OTHERS: Quite.
"Yes," Ayeka replied, frowning.
They sat in silence for a few more moments, thinking dire thoughts about men who didn't pay enough attention to the women in their lives.
NOA: Paging Makoto Mizuhara... OTHERS: Ifurita. NOA: ...well, that killed the joke.
"Things are getting desperate. There's only one short step between being treated like furniture and being completely forgotten."
AKANE: Like letting him walk all over you, being right under him when he sits down... hey, wait a minute! ALL: They do that already!
"So what are we to do?" Ayeka said suddenly. "We're losing. Tenchi isn't interested. I don't know why, but he's not interested!"
TWISTER: He's still figuring out what the hell's going on. AKANE: WHERE ON EARTH IS HE NOOOOOWWWWW?!
She hit the book with one fist, a rare display of anger not directed at her rival. Even Ryoko seemed surprised.
"Well, what if he is?" she ventured.
Ayeka turned on her. "Is what?" she asked testily.
"Is gay."
THE GUYS: Keep him away from us!
Ayeka's mouth opened, then closed with a snap. "I... Don't know. I suppose, at this point, that we must consider it a very real possibility. What do you propose?"
NOA: Do you really have to ask?
The pirate's face crinkled up, almost as if she had bit into something sour.
AKANE:(Ryoko) Durn lemon logic.
"I'm not sure."
"Oh." Ayeka picked up the book and started flipping through it randomly.
"I do have an idea, though."
TWISTER:(Ryoko) It might be something on the quantum level. (Others give him weird look.) What?
Ayeka stopped paging through the book, although she didn't turn to look at Ryoko.
Ryoko leaned forward, dropping her voice to a whisper. "I saw it on television the other day. This guy was trying to get this other guy to do something he didn't want to do, so he gave him a hypnotic suggestion."
AKANE: Brilliant! Mess up his mind! KANEDA: (Tenchi) I. am... your. slave.
This time Ayeka did turn around, with an expression of skepticism and incredulity on her face. "Hypnosis? Do you even realise how silly that sounds? And besides, just how do you think you'd get him to sit still for it?"
NOA: They'd halve his sugar intake?
Ryoko shook her head. "Not hypnosis, exactly. We don't want him acting like a monkey or anything,"
TWISTER: He'd steal your gems! OTHERS: *snicker*
she jabbed with a sudden grin, referring to a popular party trick among mixed species.
As it was usually aimed at Juraians, Ayeka bristled in indignation.
TWISTER: I wonder if I really want to get that joke. (thinks) No, no I do not.
Ryoko hastened to explain further. "It was something he did while the other guy was asleep. He made a recording of himself whispering what he wanted the other guy to do over and over again, then put it it a playback device and hid it under the other guy's bed. It played all night without him knowing. It's supposed to be true, you can even learn things in your sleep that way."
AKANE: Like smart investing! (Others look at her) What? KANEDA: You ARE related to Nabiki. AKANE: (twitching eyebrow)
"Either way, it's still a stupid idea," Ayeka said frankly. "Let me ask you this; on the TV, did it work?"
NOA: (Ryoko) I dunno, the price was in the way.
Ryoko looked down at tapped her two index fingers together awkwardly. "Sort of not exactly," she admitted finally.
NOA: (Ayeka) Yes or no?!
Ayeka threw up her hands and turned away. "Well, there you go."
ALL:(blinkblink) NOA: Did... did she just say what Ayeka wouldn't normally say?
"But it wasn't because it was a bad plan," she protested. "He got the tapes mixed up and the one that was actually in the playback machine was pop music.
KANEDA: The origin of The New Kids On the Block. TWISTER: And the Backstreet Boys. KANEDA: (blinks) Who? NOA: (To Twister) We're all from the late eighties. TWISTER: S'aright. I'm convinced they're one and the same.
But it's still a valid idea! The guy later won first place in a kareoke contest! As long as we don't make a mistake like that we'll be fine."
TWISTER:(Ryoko) Any other mistake won't hurt at all.
Ayeka sniffed, clearly disbelieving.
"Look," she said, clearly exasperated. "If you can come up with a better idea I'll be glad to hear it."
"Err... Um..."
"Well, there you go," Ryoko said in a snide parody of Ayeka's earlier words. "He's asleep now, so let's give it a shot."
"Well, alright. It can't hurt to try," Ayeka admitted.
AKANE: Then, you fail. It's like keeping hentais away. (glances at Twister and Kaneda)
****************
"How come I have to do it?"
"Because," Ayeka replied in a whisper.
KANEDA: (Ayeka) Tenchi won't. AKANE: Kaneda!
"It's your crazy idea, so you go."
Ryoko grumbled a few moments, glancing around where they stood just outside Tenchi's bedroom door. Then she shrugged and floated up a few inches off the ground before teleporting through the door.
After all, 'Ryoko is nice, Ayeka is a bitch,' could be whispered into his ear just as well as anything else.
TWISTER: Unfortunately, that's probably true for Tenchi fandom. -_-;
Soundlessly, with practiced ease, Ryoko floated up to cover over Tenchi's bed, pausing to admire the way he curled up beneath the covers.
Tenchi had indeed been very tired, and he now slept like a log.
Actually, neither Azaka nor Kamidake slept, so perhaps that is a bad analogy. Suffice to say, Tenchi slept like someone who was very tired, because he was.
NOA: Aha ha ha ha ha... That was such a funny analogy. TWISTER:(sniffs the air) Akane, do you smell sarcasm? AKANE:(To Twister) Not funny.
Ryoko leaned down putting her lips only inches away from his ear, and whispered, "Don't be gay, Tenchi. Don't be gay."
TWISTER: All right, I want to see what humourous results the author came up with, so lets just keep it quiet.
Tenchi stirred uneasily, and Ryoko was afraid he was going to wake up, but he simply rolled over, forcing her to use his other ear.
"Don't be gay... Don't be gay..." she whispered, over and over again, until even Tenchi was beguiled by the soothing rhythm and started mumbling along in his sleep.
"...be gay... ...be gay..."
Only not quite.
ALL: Sort of not exactly.
"No!" Ryoko hissed, her voice rising as she wondered how she was going to explain this one. "Don't be gay!"
"...be gay..."
"Don't be gay, Tenchi! Don't!" Ryoko insisted.
"Don't... Don't..."
Ryoko wiped sweat from her forehead, relieved that he finally got the idea.
"Don't, Tenchi, be gay..." he mumbled.
"Well, damn." Now was was she going to do? Ah, an idea.
"You like girls... you like girls...
"...like girls... ...like girls..."
NOA: (Tenchi) Tenchi... just like girls... TWISTER: Yuck.
(Yes!) Ryoko exulted inwardly. Now, time for a little gratuitous self plugging.
(Nani? Somebody mention me?~ Mr. "Cap" Twister)
"Yes, you like girls... You like Ryoko... You like Ryoko..."
Tenchi, as was his wont, got it mixed up. Again. "Don't like girls... Ryoko, be gay..."
AKANE: HENTAI! (Others jump and clutch their hearts.)
Ryoko tore at her hair in frustration. She just HAD to get greedy. "Tenchi likes girls... Tenchi likes girls..."
A few hundred repititions later, he obediently mumbled along, "Tenchi like girls... Tenchi like girls..."
NOA: *snicker* ALL:(Tenchi) Be like boy! Be like boy!
Ah, well. Close enough. Ryoko teleported away.
It was a good thing subliminal sleep messages don't work, or Tenchi might have been _really_ confused.
ALL: (sweatdrop)
Outside, Ayeka looked up from where she was nodding off against the wall as Ryoko touched down onto the floor with a soft thump. "Did it work?" she asked, concern written on her face.
KANEDA: Watching the stuff Ryoko pulls on Ayeka's a lot of fun, but... _permanent_ marker?
"I dunno," Ryoko said, and shrugged. "I don't know how to tell, either.
Ayeka thoughtfully tapped her lip with a finger. "Well, I do have an idea there..."
AKANE: AYEKA NO HENTAI! KANEDA: Okay, that's enough.
****************
Early in the morning, right on time,
TWISTER: (singing) Someone's knockin' on the door with a tele-rhyme...
Tenchi woke to his alarm clock, lurched out of bed, and stumbled out the door and down the hall on his way to the bathroom.
As he walked, he noticed Ryoko and Ayeka standing naked inside a room off the hall, the door standing wide open.
"Good morning, Tenchi!" they chorused in harmony.
ALL:(The chorus in Handel's Messiah) AAAAAALLELUJIAH!
"Good morning," he mumbled, not slowing down in the slightest.
KANEDA:(Tenchi) Need coffee for brain...
A few moments later, the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing reached their ears.
ALL:............................................................... KANEDA: He's gay. That proved it. NOA: It's just a fanfic, remember? AKANE: I hate hentais, but that just wasn't manly at all.
Ayeka punched Ryoko in the arm. "It'll work just like on TV she says. What could go wrong she says."
NOA: Oh no... he's got Alienboy52's grammar disorder! OTHERS: (mallet Noa) *WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!*
Ryoko glared back and rubbed her arm.
AKANE: None of that! TWISTER: *sigh* Ryoko rubbed her _own_ arm, Akane.
Their heads whipped back around to the door as they heard a door slam back in its frame and the sound of rapidly running footsteps.
KANEDA: Let's see, that's either Nobuyuki getting his keys, or...
Tenchi screeched to a stop in the doorway, breathing heavily and looking inside the room at them.
NOA: He's breathing heavily after a one second sprint?!
He stared for about five seconds, then punched himself in the head.
AKANE: Giving him a concussion, making him unable to participate in an orgy! TWISTER: Not gonna happen. AKANE: YES IT WILL!
He staggered back a few steps, apparently having overdone it a bit, then recovered and looked again.
TWISTER: He's gonna wait until they- NOA: (mallets Twister) *WHAM!* No, he is NOT!
Yep, still there, still naked, still with 'I love you, Tenchi!' written across each of their stomachs.
NOA: Tenchi Masaki, you are experiencing "Otaku-vision".
He blinked. "I am NOT dreaming."
KANEDA: (Tenchi) But, I AM piss drunk.
"No, you're not," Ayeka agreed, shifting uncomfortably.
TWISTER: (Ayeka) _I'm_ piss drunk.
"Care to join us?" Ryoko offered, one eyebrow arched suggestively.
AKANE: AAAAARRRRGGGH!! OTHERS: (scoot away from Akane.)
And oddly enough, both of them had their eyes fixed on his boxer shorts, which stood out so proudly as they tended to do in the morning.
NOA: (glances at Kaneda) *snicker* KANEDA: Hm? NOA: Nothing. ^_^
THEN his nose started bleeding, THEN he got embarrassed, and THEN he ran for the bathroom.
AKANE: And only in three half-beat intervals!
Ryoko punched Ayeka in the arm. "Toldya it would work."
KANEDA: Ayeka told you first! TWISTER: I think that was the point of the joke.
Ayeka nodded and rubbed her arm. "He did get a woody from looking at us, I must admit." Here, the use of the term 'woody' was a direct translation of the Juraian slang term for an erection. With a culture as tree-oriented as theirs, all of their slang, especially sexual slang, were tree references.
TWISTER: *groan* AKANE: Do we really need more exposition?
Ryoko turned and looked at Ayeka.
Ayeka looked at Ryoko.
TWISTER: They are looking at each other...
And they both broke out into an impromptu dance number, naked, in the bedroom.
THE GIRLS: (avert their eyes)
****************
KANEDA:... That was it?
Later that day, while Tenchi was at school, Nobuyuki was at work, Sasami was reading a manga outside, and Ayeka and Ryoko were arguing at the table over an open book, a door under the stairs opened silently, and out stepped the cutest, and the greatest, scientific mind in the universe.
TWISTER: A-HEM!? NOA: (Nugar) And on and on and on and on and on...
It was housed in a child-like body with long, bright red hair, a body that was currently munching absentmindedly on some Cinnamon Toast Crunch out of a box she carried around with her.
TWISTER: Not unlike someone else we know! KANEDA: Hey, there were tons of boxes! AKANE: -_-;
Of _course_ she could see why they were so great. She wasn't called the greatest scientific genius in the universe for nothing.
NOA: Unlike someone _else_ we know. TWISTER: (angrily) Noa...
"Hello! Is anyone home?" called Washu, discarding the now empty box in a wastebasket as she wandered the house in search of companionship.
AKANE: Genius exploring its territory.
Arguing voices drew her attention as she neared the living room, and she quickly walked that way.
NOA: (Washu) By going, I'll find out what's in there! WASHU: (voice) Good joke, Noa. Tell it again. NOA:...........................................
Inside, Ryoko and Ayeka sat on opposite sides of a low table, sitting on the edge of their seats as they leaned forward to argue some specific point.
NOA: Bible references in anime? KANEDA: The metaphysical architecture of Neo-Tokyo? AKANE: Why love triangles just don't make original plotlines? TWISTER: The... third OAV?
"Hiya!" Washu chirped brightly. "What are you two doing?"
ALL: I know, I know!
They jumped, startled.
KANEDA: Are they still naked? NOA: No!
"Oh, Washu...chan!" Ayeka began, nearly forgetting but rallying in the middle to avoid annoying her housemate. "How have you been?"
NOA: (blinks) Is that something Ayeka would say? AKANE: It does sound more like Sasami or Mihoshi.
Washu smiled happily and plopped down beside her. "Good, good, and I'm glad to see you haven't forgotten me."
KANEDA: (Washu) Even when fic writers lock me up.
"Amazing isn't it?" Ryoko commented, giving her a sideways look. "But we had a betting pool going, I had my money on 'blew up in experiment gone wrong.'"
TWISTER: This sounds... hauntingly familiar...
Washu frowned. "And you, Ayeka?"
"'Accidentally transported to another galaxy,'" admitted the princess shamefacedly.
ALL EXCEPT CAP: (grin at Cap, who says nothing)
"Hmph. Like a genius like be could be done in by something so simple. So, what has been going on around here?" She leaned forward to see the book better.
"Umm, we had a little get together, but your door was locked and we couldn't get you," Ayeka replied.
"That was to keep the bubble-head out," she replied, picking up the book and flipping through it rapidly.
TWISTER: I knew nobody could lock her in there. AKANE: Sure.
"Sasami is outside, I think, Tenchi has gone to school, and-"
"You two are trying to seduce him, but you're not having any success."
"Bingo," replied Ryoko.
NOA:(goofy voice) BOING-O!
"A simple deduction. What all have you tried?"
TWISTER: Everything but tying him up and ravishing him. (cold wind wisks through...) *brrr* I thought I fixed that...
"Everything but getting him drunk or using an aphrodisiac." Ayeka sighed.
TWISTER: That, too.
"And that was only because we didn't want to resort to chemicals. That's not love," Ryoko explained.
NOA: It also doesn't work. ALL: (look suspiciously at Noa, who turns red and says nothing)
"It's starting to look better, though."
Ryoko nodded.
"Let me get this straight," Washu began. "You're going through all these different methods, trying to win Tenchi's love?"
AKANE: Plot!
They nodded.
"It would help if we knew what personality type he was." Ayeka supplied. "Then we would know what tactic to use."
KANEDA: This is coming from Ayeka "Oujo-sama!" Jurai.
Washu threw down the book and up her hands. "Great Seldon!
AKANE: Christopher Lloyd IS Washu Hakubi. (An old Delorean roars through the row behind them, destroying the seats and leaving twin trails of flame.) ALL:.................................................... TWISTER: (bangs head against seat in front of him.) WASHU: (voice) Sorry.
You haven't figured it out yet? Ah! I'm going to find Sasami, and maybe some intelligent conversation." She stood to leave.
"Wait!" Ayeka said, grabbing at her shirt.
"You mean you know the secret?" Ryoko asked, leaning forward eagerly.
AKANE:(Washu) I asked Victoria.
Washu nodded disdainfully. "Of course. I've _known_ it."
NOA: (Washu) I've ALWAYS known how to nod disdainfully!
"Tell us! Please!"
AKANE: (Washu) Well, okay. The best way to seduce Tenchi is... OTHERS: Is? AKANE: The best way to seduce Tenchi... is... OTHERS: Is?! AKANE: A SECRET! ^_~ OTHERS: (mock facefault, a round of giggles for all). AKANE: *giggle* I watch Slayers WAY too much. TWISTER: (stops laughing, mumbles) *That'd explain the mallet...*
She shook her head. "I'll be back in a few hours to see if you've got it. I'll give you a hint: It's not in the book."
NOA: It's in your mind. KANEDA: It's in your ride. TWISTER: It's all in the.. wrist. ^_- AKANE: ...........(mallets Twister) *WHAM!* HENTAI!
****************
True to her word, several hours later she returned to find them in much the same positions.
KANEDA: (wolf whistles) OTHERS: *groan*
Happy, fed a nice, fresh meal, and her loneliness assuaged for a while,
KANEDA: Assu-huh?
Washu once again settled down a little ways away from the two girls.
"Well?" she asked smugly. "Figured it out yet?"
NOA: He's gay. TWISTER: Ew.
They wordlessly shook their heads.
"I thought not." She sighed. "Fools. Great, ignorant, _blind_, lovesick fools."
TWISTER: (Washu) You have to experiment!
They started to get indignant.
KANEDA: Did they nod ignorantly, too?
"Look, not everyone can be a great scientific genius like you!" Ryoko protested angrily.
TWISTER: But, you _can_ join Mensa and fake it.
"Yeah!" Ayeka seconded.
Washu preened under the appellation, then turned to them seriously. "Still, anyone could have figured it out by now. But since you're determined to act like little schoolgirls, I'll tell you."
KANEDA: And we all know what happens when they act like... "schoolgirls". THE GIRLS: YUCK! >_<
"Yes?" they asked, leaning forward in anticipation.
ALL: (lean forward in anticipation) NOA: If she says "a secret", I'll scream.
"He already loves you. _Both_ of you." She carefully omitted the rest of the list. Best not to confuse the two any more than they already were.
TWISTER: Man, they're constantly confused.
They hit the floor.
AKANE: In what the rest of us call a "facefault".
"What?! He loves me? And her?" they both said, turning to point at each other.
TWISTER: No one ever paid much attention to me, either. OTHERS:..................................................
"Yep. You've both been so busy trying to win him before the other that you simply haven't noticed. Well, I have. I've been around, I've seen the looks he gives you. And I do mean both of you." Washu ran her hand through her hair, thinking of her experiment in progress.
ALL:................ EEEEEEEEYUCK!
"But why hasn't he said something?"
KANEDA: (Tenchi) I mumbled!
"Yeah, why not? He's got to know I'm in love with him," Ryoko added.
NOA: Unless you're Shin Ryoko.
Washu shrugged. "He's probably seen you fighting each other so much he's scared to, especially if it seems he likes one of you more than the other. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I found his personality type in that book you two seemed to have so much faith in. It's under 'weenie'.
ALL: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You probably skipped it over because 'the man you love couldn't be a weenie!'."
"How can you be so sure he loves us?" Ryoko challenged. "You spend all your time in your lab, you can't be everywhere."
WASHU: (voice) NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ALL: (sweatdrop)
Washu shrugged. "Ask him if you don't believe me. I mean it, go right up to him and ask.
KANEDA: (Washu) Screw him, even!
I want the money from the betting pool if I'm right. Until then, I've been away from my experiment too long." She left them still staring in shock.
Weenie- as described by 'Secrets of Seduction volume one.'
TWISTER:(narrator) The intergalactic bible. AKANE: (To Cap) Tell me you don't have that book. TWISTER: Sore WA... himitsu desu. ^_~ OTHERS: (mallet Cap) *WHAM!**WHAM!**WHAM!*
Weenie- Any of many personality types that have absolutely no spine, at least with the opposite sex. These are frequently the hardest to figure out, as they manifest in so many different ways.
KANEDA: Anime heroes, mostly. 'Cept me.
The most common is the 'recluse', a type characterized by their seclusion and complete lack of social skills. This translates to shyness and avoidance of conversation, which can be very frustrating when trying to start one.
ALL: (nod) TWISTER: The majority of anime fans...
Another common type is the 'weak-willed.' This sub-group is truly pathetic, bowing to anyone at any time, male or female. Some few are actually normal when among members of their own species, but around women will fold under the slightest hint of disapproval. (See Mother complexes.)
NOA: Also known as a "Shinji".
Somewhat rarer are the 'manly-weenies', completely confident, boastful, aggressive to the extreme around men, and always avoiding the issue with women. These may even try to make up for their lack of confidence with the opposite sex by womanizing, or even abusing those who do not do their bidding. USE EXTREME CAUTION.
TWISTER: High school a**holes who swear at the start of every sentence and think that pot makes good breakfast.
Lastly, there are those who do not seem to fit any mold. They can be brave, calm, nervous, frightened, suave, almost any type in the book, but will not make the move in any relationship. These are hard to spot, but may actually be the most common. Only extreme dedication can break through to them, and most women give up at what they perceive as disinterest or possible homosexuality.
NOA: And there you have your "Tenchis". AKANE: Finally, it all comes together.
With all weenies, it depends on the woman. Some will respond well to non-threatening actions, but this makes for a very slow, if a quietly passionate, relationship. Others must be led hand and foot, ideal for dominant women. If a situation can be found where the weenie is forced to rely only on himself with others at stake, most weenies will finally come into their own. (See Reluctant heroes.) Unfortunately, situations like these are incredibly hard to come by or arrange.
AKANE: Then, on the fifth day, God created anime. And he saw that it was good. KANEDA: (God) WHY are you so normal?
It is suggested that when dealing with weenies, be direct. Don't let him beat around the bush.
TWISTER: Use gratuitous fanservice as desired. AKANE: Hmph!
"Oh," Ryoko said.
"Well then," Ayeka added.
Something occurred to Ryoko, and she immediately started flipping through the book until she came upon something she had noted in passing. With a quiet 'Ah hah,' she jabbed her finger at it and passed the book over to Ayeka.
The princess accepted it, then violently pushed it away, blushing bright red. "A threesome!" she exclaimed indignantly. "Ryoko, you pervert!"
TWISTER: (grabs nose) GAK! NOA: Oh my... Cap gets nosebleeds! OTHERS: (have a jolly good laugh) TWISTER: -;;-
Ryoko knocked her on the forehead with one knuckle. "Knock it off and read what it says, idiot!"
Ayeka reluctantly did as she was bade, absobing all the available information about men and their favorite sexual fantasy (according to a survey of 5616 men),
AKANE: So Cap, which number were you? TWISTER: *sigh*...
which involved themselves and two women. At the end of it, she frowned.
"A possible explaination, no?" Ryoko ventured.
KANEDA: A setup for a sex scene, yes.
Ayeka slammed the book closed. "He's holding out because he wants us both, that little..."
ALL: (Ayeka) Weenie!
Ryoko shook her head. "While I don't doubt that he wants us both, especially now that Washu has-"
ALL: Chan!
A distant yell of "-CHAN!" reached their ears.
ALL:.....................................
"...Chan has confirmed it, do you honestly think Tenchi is the type of man to do something like that?" she finished, looking at her rival expectantly.
AKANE: (hefts her mallet) If Ranma mentions me.. and Shampoo... or Ukyo... TWISTER: Or Kodachi. AKANE: (mallets Twister) *WHAM!* TWISTER: (dazed) Tem...perrrrrr... (falls onto floor)
Ayeka sighed. "No, no, of course not. But still, why hasn't he made a move? Some indication?"
NOA: I thought they'd it figured out.
"He does seem rather reluctant to make the first move, or indeed any move," the pirate agreed, taking the book back and turning it back to the page on weenies.
KANEDA: "Or indeed, any move". Why don't I think "Ryoko" when I hear that?
Ayeka took the book back and reread the entry where Ryoko left her finger. "Ideal for dominant women... Ah hah..."
ALL: Uh oh...
"Bingo," Ryoko said smugly, pleased that she had figured it out before the true Juraian.
TWISTER: Why do people take that video so seriously?! WASHU: (voice) You wanna find out? TWISTER:.......................... eeeeep.
"In retrospect, it's so obvious, arg!
AKANE: (Ayeka) That's arg-SAMA!
What were we thinking?" Ayeka exclaimed agitatedly, slapping a hand over her face.
NOA: Well, we knew what _Ryoko_ was thinking. AKANE: Ryoko's speaking in Unga Bunga.
Ryoko shrugged. "We're so used to dealing with those of other cultures and adapting to their ways-"
TWISTER:(Ayeka)And their Cartoon Networks.
"That we never stopped to consider that Tenchi might be just like a man from our own," Ayeka finished for her. "Patient, non-confrontational, and never, ever in the lead in a relationship, just like a Juraian male."
TWISTER: (rubs temples) And we come to the cliche of using Ayeka as the dom queen...
"And so what this situtation calls for is the exact same approach that we would use on Jurai or one of the older colonies," Ryoko explained. "We don't entice him, he entices us. Of course, that step is long over with, so now all we have to do is tie him up and ravish him."
SAL: AW, HELL YES! ALL: (sweatdrop) Eek.
"Ryoko! You're a genius!" Ayeka cried. "I'm so happy I could kiss you!
ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!
I'm not, of course, but I could!" She frowned. "Wait a minute. What's this 'we' business?"
NOA: It sounds better than "You and I"...?
Ryoko gave her a patented smirk. "You might want to reconsider on that kiss, 'cause you better get used to the idea. We. As in, I and you."
AKANE: AAAARRRRGH! NOA: I DON'T WANNA WATCH A THREESOME! KANEDA: (To Twister) Okay. Kei is NEVER gonna know I watched this! TWISTER: All right guys, cool it. This is for Sal. OTHERS: (glare at him) TWISTER: (puts face in hands and sighs) AKANE: Weenie. TWISTER: Huh? AKANE: Nothing.
"You and I," Ayeka corrected absentmindedly.
"That's what I said, yes," Ryoko replied. "I gave you your chance last time, and you turned it down.
AKANE: Warning! Warning! Continuity mix warning! Warning!
No more, girlie. Me first."
"Wait, wait, wait a minute," she protested, holding up a hand. "We still haven't finished the 'we' discussion."
TWISTER: Would you prefer they say "you and I"?
Ryoko raised an eyebrow. "What 'we' discussion? Tenchi loves us both, right? Washu-chan, the greatest genius in the universe, said so, right?
NOA: (points at screen) Aha! OTHERS: What? NOA: _Washu_ is the greatest genius in the Universe! ^_^ TWISTER: But... but... WASHU: (voice, smug) Yes, Cap? TWISTER: (sulks) Nuttin'. OTHERS: ^_^
Are you willing to risk it all on a, well, no, double wouldn't be right in this case, single or nothing gamble that he loves you more than me? With stakes this high?"
KANEDA:(sleazy gambler) Watch the ladeh, watch the ladeh!
The princess shook her head without hesitation. "When you put it that way..."
"Damn straight, neither am I," the pirate replied honestly. "Look, we're both responsible adult women in the prime of our lives, we can tolerate each other's presence, barely, and there's this gorgeous hunk of a man right here who happens to want us both.
ALL: What?! AKANE: They're both seventeen in the TV series! TWISTER: And if flattening the house without a care is responsible, then I wouldn't have been stuck with the bill for all the NASA equipment I destroyed! (thinks)......................... Accidentally, of course.
If sacking him means pushing your lard ass out the way when you wander over into the wrong territory, well then, grab some rope sister, because we're going plundering."
KANEDA: And if Ayeka's a lard ass, I'm Shinji friggin' Ikari!
Ayeka remained silent through this, at one point leaning back into her chair and closing her eyes.
Ryoko, having finished, waited for a response. And it had better be a yes, because Ayeka had the power to screw everything up, and Ryoko was dammned if she was going to spend yet another lonely night dreaming of Tenchi.
ALL:(singing) Oh, I'm so sad and loooonelyyy...
"Do we even have any rope?" Ayeka asked, opening her eyes.
ALL: (facefault) NOA: (getting up) That was quick... KANEDA: And outta character.
This was not one of the several posible responses Ryoko had envisioned, and she wasn't sure what it meant. "What?"
"I said, 'Do we have any rope?'" she repeated. "Chains would be better, more traditional, but rope will do.
ALL: (sweatdrop)
On second thought, forget the rope. There are two of us, one can hold him down and the other can climb his tree."
TWISTER: They're going to "Make his monkey spunky and steal his gems". ^_^ AKANE: (mallets Twister. Hard.) *KA-WHAAAAAAMMMMM!!!* (Twister goes flying into the far wall.) TWISTER: (flying through the air.) IIIIII KIIIIIIIIID! *THUD!*
It took Ryoko a minute to decipher that. "Is that a 'Yes,'" she hazarded.
KANEDA: ACK! Use a question mark. (takes a deep breath.) (Twister walks back to his seat, an anime bandage on his head.)
"We can ambush him today, as soon as he gets off the bus. There's a clump of bushes just off the path, and a soft patch of ground a little way beyond that that would be ideal for a preliminary ravishing." Ayeka's expression betrayed no humor, it appeared she was all business.
AKANE: They use the word "ravish" a lot in this fic, don't they? TWISTER: (geting comfortable) The author likes that word. It's a sexy lemon word.
Ryoko gaped, not having expected the level of enthusiasm Ayeka was showing. She fumbled for the words, eventually asking, "What happened to your old attitude, Princess? 'My mind and body are pure, make love to me!'"
NOA: (Ayeka) I left that in the OTHER continuity.
"It has changed with the times," Ayeka replied levelly. "Now it's 'My mind is filled with lascivious thoughts and my body aches for your touch, take me now, Tenchi!'"
ALL:(sweatdrop) NOA: Oh my... KANEDA: This... looks a bit like a lemon, now...
Ryoko waited for the heat in her face and ears to go away before replying. "That was very quick."
ALL: YOU'RE TELLING US!!
"I thought so, too," Ayeka agreed. "What can I say, I had you for a role-model."
AKANE: WHAT?! TWISTER: (shakes head)
She shook her head in astonishment. "Really, I'm quite surprised at you. I had no idea you were this hard up."
ALL: Neither did we...
"Did you know that Juraian royalty are forbidden to masturbate?"
(Note how the riffing just stops...)
Ayeka asked conversationaly. "Supposedly, the incredible repression of our urges makes us more driven, more powerful, able to dominate the masses. In reality, it gives us an incredible drive to get married, fast, and early, to whomever we can, which I suppose is just as useful for political purposes.
TWISTER: Well, somebody read Henry VIII...
By and large, it simply means that members of the Juraian royal family fornicate with each other and commoners on a regular basis, forgoing the love found in marrige for a cheap release and dramatically increasing the number of bastard royalty.
ALL: *groan* NOA: Not more exposition... KANEDA: Let's just sit it out, this time.
Of course, as the crown princess, I am also forbidden from such base activities until such time as I find a husband. Alas, I am discriminating, nay, picky, and I despaired of ever finding a suitable mate. Oh, there are ways, to be sure. Fantasy is a good example of bending the rules. And then I met Tenchi. I was content to wait at first, but you know, it seems to get harder and harder every day. So, in explaination, yes, Ryoko, this princess is horny, and I'd appreciate it if you'd CUT ME SOME SLACK and help me plan an ambush," Ayeka finished, gently shaking Ryoko to better emphasise her point.
ALL:............................................. AKANE: This just proves that the author is LAZY! NOA: He ditched characterization just like that! KANEDA: The Universe characters weren't THAT shallow! TWISTER: It was going fine until you made that bullcrap excuse! ALL: (Boo and hiss!)
Ryoko was taken aback, and indeed slightly rattled. (To think... No way.)
ALL: DAMN RIGHT!
She shuddered at the thought. It was a wonder Ayeka wasn't a violent psychopathic genocidal murderer or something by now. Come to think of it, it _would_ explain a lot.
NOA: Like lazy writers... TWISTER: And Shin Tenchi.
"Um, Ayeka, we do have to ask first. Just to make sure he does love me. Us, love us."
"Fine." An unholy light burned in her eyes, and the air ionised and crackled.
TWISTER: SHIELD ALERT! (Twister hits the floor) AKANE: Cap, what are you doing? TWISTER: Remember? Fourth wall?! AKANE: (thinks) Oooooohhhh... (Others duck under seats as well.)
"First we ask, THEN we ravish."
NOA: (British accent, from under seat) Yes, you must give them both a good ravishing!
Judging from her tone and posture, Ryoko wasn't real sure that Ayeka would accept 'no' for an answer.
KANEDA: (peeks out) No shield. It's cool. (All come out from under the seats.)
****************
AKANE: Tonight, on Asterik Theater... the rest... of yesterday's lemon.
Mihoshi fidgeted nervously, only one thing on her mind as she finally arrived home from work. "Umm, I'll be in the bedroom, Kiyone. Okay?"
TWISTER: (sarcastic) Oh boy, here comes the engaging side plot... NOA: I thought you liked fanservice. TWISTER: It's not arousing if I can't picture it happening.
Kiyone sighed. "Whatever, just keep it down."
KANEDA: (Mihoshi) As long as it stays up. OTHERS: Kaneda!
"Thanks, Kiyone!" Mihoshi's head bobbed happily as she disappeared into the other room.
NOA: (narrator) In the one room apartment.
Nearly as fast, Kiyone dove for her chair, quickly reaching behind it and grabbing a Walkman and jamming the headphones over her ears. Almost as fast she hit the play button and turned the volume up to max, drowning out the real world in a harsh wail of an electric guitar pushed to its physical and technical limits.
(The sound system is Dolby Surround, the fic itself in THX.) ALL: (get blasted by a cross between Aerosmith, 80s techno and J-pop that's much more hyper than anything really ought to be. Looks like they're in a wind tunnel, doesn't it?)
Somewhere on the other side of a very thin wall, another electric buzz pushed to its limits could be heard, but not through the distortion in Kiyone's ears.
(They buzzing is now added to the existing blare...)
Now all she had to do was kill time, just an hour or so.
(Twister hits a button on the Tolp device, and the sound returns to a tolerable level. Their hair and clothes are ruffled, and they seem indifferent to sound. Maybe it has to do with being temporarily deaf. Ah, there it goes!)
Two, three tops.
AKANE: Ayeka's summer wear? KANEDA: (To Akane) WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! AKANE: (in his ear) CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?! KANEDA: (flinches) No need to shout...
Nodding her head along with music she didn't really enjoy, Kiyone picked up a paper she'd gotten earlier that week from the table and sat down in her chair.
"Ah, let's see what's in the paper."
*rustle*
KANEDA: (Kiyone) Oooh, they have _Olympic_ Games, now.
"Wow, that outfit is cute."
*rustle*
AKANE: (Kiyone) Mhmm, there's a play by some Shakespeare guy...
"A housewife's solution to speed up shopping, that sounds useful."
Several minutes later, another rustle could be heard, but not by Kiyone.
NOA: So, Kiyone couldn't hear the rustle?
"Etiquette on the subway, do's and don'ts. I'd better take notes, this could be important in earth culture."
AKANE: DO bring your wallet. DON'T bring its contents.
Dutifully, she read the article, rereading to make sure she understood, and jotted down careful notes on a stray piece of paper.
*rustle*
TWISTER: (That smelly Russell) Whut?
"Terrorists flood a shopping mall with poisonous gas." She sighed. "I wish I had some poisonous gas..."
(I won't comment on this one. Al-Qaeda should be castrated, THEN killed and THEN go to the Islam paradise.~Mr. "Cap" Twister)
*rustle*
KANEDA: Somebody get the sheriff! It's a rustlin'!
"Business section. Maybe I'll pick up a few tips on making money. Let's see, invest your interest accruement now, save tax trouble later.
AKANE: Hire an accountant today!
That does sounds helpful." A note of quiet desperation entered her voice.
*rustle*
"Ah, looks like Sony stocks jumped another six points," she continued to read, not really understanding. She nodded as if she'd just made a particularly profound statement, or perhaps she'd just been nodding to the music.
TWISTER: I don't understand stocks, either. I understand the aniverse and spaceship maintenance. NOA: (To Twister) You're qualified, then.
The harsh screech of an electric guitar with heavy reverb and distortion ground to a halt. Just as quickly, a distant hum filtered in through the foam padding covering her ears.
ALL: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Calmly, she stroked the volume control, turning it all the way up. It was already all the way up. "Now, now, don't panic," she said out loud, setting the newspaper to the side. "Cleansing breaths, cleansing breaths... I probably bumped the button and all I have to do is hit play." She looked. Nope, the play button was firmly engaged, and the pause button hadn't been touched. Her heart thudded in her ears. Franticly, she shook the tape player, banging it against the side of her chair in the desperate hope that it was only jammed.
NOA: Maybe she should try "frantically" shaking it.
Sadly, it was not to be.
TWISTER: Ah, but t'was. AKANE: T'is. KANEDA: We said this. NOA: (British accent) Quite right, Quite right.
"Oh, no," she said to herself. The batteries had ran down. They just _had_ to run down in the one thing preserving her sanity and not that bubble headed blonde's sextoy.
TWISTER: (hopes that his Mihoshi is NOT the one portrayed here.) SAL: Somebody mention me?! TWISTER: NOPE! NOT ME! ^_^; SAL: Oh... I'll just go back to sleep, then. ALL: (nervous gulp) KANEDA: She's coming back on... TWISTER: Watch yourselves.
Mihoshi chose that moment to make an undulating, whiny sound as the buzzing jumped up a notch.
AKANE: I'm SO glad she's behind that curtain.
That was it. Kiyone could take no more. Calmly, deliberately, she set down the Walkman and stood up. Her eye twitched sporadically in unison with the soft moans that filtered through the thin wall. The hard buzzing slowly frayed her nerves as she stalked to the door separating the two.
**************** ALL: (make various sounds of exasperation) NOA: I wanted to see what happened next! (cold air...) *shudder*
Tenchi turned and waved as he got off the bus, a last goodbye to the people he rode with.
Ayeka and Ryoko stood staring expectantly at him when he turned back around.
KANEDA: They're kinda like thought police... only WORSE.
"Whaa!" he yelled, startled. "Don't do that!"
AKANE: (Tenchi) Do me! OTHERS: (shocked) AKANE! (Akane giggles)
They apologized contritely, then gestured for him to walk between them.
TWISTER: (Ayeka as _I_gor) Walk this way, mastah.
"Ah, Tenchi..." Ayeka began, then hesitated. Old habits die hard, and she was still used to acting like a silly schoolgirl around Tenchi. She'd also had a few hours to calm down, and the fight with Ryoko over being dumped in a freezing secition of the furo, not to mention the cold water itself, did wonders to calm her down.
ALL:................................. huh?! TWISTER: We now go to the results of the Olympic Sentence Marathon...
"We were wondering..." Ryoko added.
"Yes, we have been pondering this question for some time now," Ayeka continued.
"Weeks."
"Months."
KANEDA: Ten freakin' years! AKANE: Actually, this is seven since it's the TV continuity. KANEDA: Okay, they just need to get laid. That satisfy you? AKANE: *grrrrr...*
He started to grow nervous. "Yes? What is it?"
"Well," Ryoko said, "as you no doubt know, we think of you in..."
"Affectionate terms," Ayeka supplied helpfully.
"Ah, yes, _affectionate_ terms, thank you, Ayeka."
TWISTER: The period key's right there! OTHERS: (look around) Where? (and in the disance, a cow can be heard.) *Moooooo!* TWISTER: I was talking to the author, guys.
(Oh, hell,) he thought, switching his bag from one hand to the other. (They're getting along and being far too serious. I hope no one died.)
NOA: (Ryoko) I want to have sex because I blew up the house and everyone in it. Don't you understand?!
"We were sort of wondering..."
"If maybe, you know, you felt... Ah, we want to know if-"
"Do you love us? Either of us?" Ryoko finally asked bluntly.
Tenchi's mouth froze and his brain locked up.
KANEDA: All together, now. ALL: BRAIN FREEZE!
"Ah?" They all stopped in the middle of the path.
TWISTER: A rest stop on the road of life...
"Do you love us?" she repeated, quicker this time. "Because if you don't, I'll... I'll... I don't know what I'll do."
NOA: Does the series really need ANOTHER spinoff?
"Tenchi, we love you. Very, very much, but I have to know, do you love us back?" Ayeka's expression was pleading. "It hurts, it's tearing me up inside. I have to know, my love."
TWISTER: Awww, this is like that episode of "Boy Meets World". AKANE: Which one? TWISTER: The one with the guy and his girlfriend, and they love each other. And the guy does something and she gets mad, and then he does something stupider, and makes it worse, then they get back together again. You know...
Tenchi's mouth worked like a fish trying to breath air. No sounds emerged.
KANEDA: He does a pretty good perch.
"Tell us Tenchi, _please_," Ryoko begged. "I can take it if you don't, but I've got to know."
AKANE: (Tenchi) ... OH, this is a rhetorical question!
Still, he couldn't speak.
ALL: (singing) We know just what he's thinkin'...
"Tenchi, I'm only going to ask, no," Ayeka corrected, "I'm _telling_ you, right now, tell us if you love us or not."
"yes" It was a tiny sound, almost a squeak, but it had enormous impact.
KANEDA: (jumps a bit) Whoa, did you guys just feel the floor shake? OTHERS: No.
"Oh, Tenchi!" they both sobbed, grabbing him into a tight hug that barely interfered with each other at all. They both showered him with kisses, tears running down both of their faces.
TWISTER: Aw jeez, he gave away the ending to the third OAV! NOA: You aren't looking forward to it? TWISTER: Kajishima's going alone...
He awkwardly hugged them back, wondering just what he'd gotten himself into.
ALL: Another fun-filled adventure.
"Tenchi," Ayeka choked out. "You don't know how long I've wanted to hear those words."
NOA: He only said one. TWISTER: AHA!
"Yes, I love you," he said, louder this time. "I love you both, but I just couldn't tell you... I was afraid, I guess." Words came more easily to him, as, fortunately, did his breath. They both had slacked off on the hug and leaned back to look at him. His gaze traveled from one to the other and back.
AKANE:(sighs in a dreamy way) KANEDA: (rolls his eyes and sinks into his seat.) NOA: (starts to daydream) TWISTER: (his leg starts jumping)
Ryoko rubbed her head against the side of his chest, nuzzling him contentedly. It wasn't as good as an 'I love you only.', but she wasn't complaining. No, not at all. Not yet, anyway.
AKANE: Nani?
Ayeka kissed him firmly on the lips, breaking contact as Ryoko moved in for her turn.
THE GIRLS: NOT A THREESOME! TWISTER: Don't worry, it can't be that easy.
Tenchi blushed furiously, liking the sensation but fumbling and inept in execution.
"Tenchi, Tenchi, it has been so lonely, wanting you but you've been so distant... You like playing hard to get, don't you?" Ryoko grinned.
KANEDA: (Tenchi) Yeah... that's probably it.
"Umm, I was just so confused..." he trailed off, not really knowing what to say.
"I know, Tenchi, my one and only love. But we couldn't take it any longer. I've been in love with you from the moment we shared a walk together, and you've always been so sweet and kind, you took us in and made us feel like family. I can never repay you for everything you have done." She put a finger to his lips as he started to protest. "No, let me finish. You are everything I've ever wanted and more. Love is a rare thing for a princess to find, and I've got to be the luckiest one in the universe."
ALL: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
He blushed more and stammered into silence.
"And me the luckiest pirate," Ryoko added. "Tenchi, you're brave, strong, selfless, all the things I'd like to be, but can't live up to. And," she smiled at him, giving him a quick peck on the nose, "You're cute, too."
ALL: AAAAAAAAaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
"Handsome."
"Manly."
NOA:(Ryoko) Supposedly. AKANE: We need a Nodoka, here.
"Desirable."
"Definitely sexy."
ALL: Huh?
"Tenchi, do you find me attractive?" Ayeka asked, unable to stand it any longer.
"Yes!" he squeaked, blush even brighter now.
AKANE: Oh, is it ALAWAYS the sex?! *mutterhentaisgrumble*
"How about me?" Ryoko asked, pressing her breasts into his side. She brought one of his hands up and ran it over her cleavage, even as Ayeka started doing the same. "Well? Do I excite you? I hope so. As Ayeka would put it, do I make your tree grow when I offer myself to you?"
KANEDA: *snicker*
"Y-yes! Both of you, yes!" he exclaimed, eyes wide. A thin trickle of blood came from his nose at the memory of some of those instances.
(All grin at Cap) TWISTER: (absently wipes his nose.)
They both stepped back and put their hands on their hips. "Well then, why have you never done anything?"
KANEDA: He'd be hunted down by the royal family of Jurai, and Ryoko would... (tries to picture what would happen, and crosses his legs).
"Yes, I would give myself freely, and gladly, but you never asked," Ayeka pouted.
AKANE: Right after she could form a sentence again.
His eyebrows were raised to the fullest, and his breathing came in shorter and shorter gasps. "I-I-I..."
NOA: (Tenchi) St-st-stutter!
They both frowned at him seriously and exchanged a look.
"Now that we've got everything straightened out," Ayeka began.
TWISTER: (Ayeka) And I do mean _everything_... OTHERS: Twister!
"I certainly hope you don't expect us to wait for your touch as long as we've waited for your love. Us girls have our needs, too."
TWISTER: Oh no, here it comes... AKANE: I KEEP TELLING HIM THAT! HE NEVER, _EVER_ LISTENS! HE'S JUST SO PIGHEADED, WITH HIS "UNCUTE TOMBOY" ROUTINE! (makes exasperated noise) NOA: I'M A TOP LABOR PILOT, AND MISS SHINOBU IS A CO-CAPTAIN! THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN A MAN, BUT I WAS THE TOP OF MY CLASS BECAUSE I TRIED HARDER! KANEDA: All right, we know... SAL: AND I HAVE MORE NEEDS THAN ALL'A YA PUT TOGETHER!! ALL: (shut up and look around)
Adrenaline pumped, his heart pounded, and his vision narrowed. "Touch...?"
ALL: Touch.
Ryoko jerked open her top, exposing her breasts. "I'm yours, Tenchi."
TWISTER: (blocks nosebleed) GACK! KANEDA: (covers eyes) I want Kei... not this... this doesn't do it for me... AKANE: (closes her eyes and growls a bit) NOA: (Nugar) That's it, now hold that pose until I get the gag gift. OTHERS: Noa! NOA: *giggle*
"Umm, me, too," Ayeka agreed, looking around first. "'I want your bod, un hunh, uh hunh,'" she quoted from a dim memory.
ALL: (sweatdrop)
Tenchi would probably understand an Earth term better than 'I want to climb your tree and swing through the branches,' accompanied by a few 'ook' 'ook' noises, which was the Juraian equivilent.
ALL: (bigger sweatdrop) TWISTER:(Nugar) Equiva-luh-ment.
Ryoko whacked her on the back of the head. "Quit fooling around!"
Tenchi took advantage of the distraction to bolt like a frightened cabbit.
KANEDA: Uh, you're headin' for the cliff! TWISTER: (Tenchi)Huh-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...
"Aww, now look what you've done," Ryoko complained bitterly.
NOA: We were just about to RAVISH him!
"He certainly does like to run," Ayeka said, nodding and rubbing the back of her head.
TWISTER: Away, that is. ALL EX AKANE: RUN AWAY! AKANE: STOP THAT!
"Or maybe," Ryoko said thoughtfully, "he just likes to be chased. And I bet he'll enjoy being caught!" She took off running after him. "Last one to catch him has to go second!"
"What the, HEY!" Ayeka protested as Ryoko disappeared in a teleport.
TWISTER: Luh duh-duh-duh-duh-duh BoInGg.
****************
Mihoshi lay on her back, writhing luxuriously against the sheets as she let the magic apparatus perform its miracles.
TWISTER: (pales) AKANE: Eeeewwwww... KANEDA: (still covering eyes) Eyes on Kei... always... on... Kei... NOA: (twitchy eyebrow)
Sweat glistened on her nude form, highlighting her full breasts and taught stomach as she ran her hands up to pinch and tease her nipples.
SAL: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... ALL: STAY AWAY FROM HER!
Faint light from the lamps outside filtered in through the drawn blinds, casting flickering shadows on the wall as the blinds stirred slightly. Shapeless voids moved sensuously before Mihoshi's slitted eyes, causing vaguely obscene images to form in her pleasure fogged mind.
AKANE: Okay guys, she may be a bit flaky, but she's our pilot. TWISER: (holding nose) And noing a namn nood nyob.
She slid one long tanned calf up her other leg, drawing them together to feel the warm, twitching, humming mass press against the inside of her thighs.
TWISTER: (still holding nose) Nis is dorture! NOA: (To Cap) Why don't you just close your eyes? TWISTER:...................... (closes eyes) Aaaaahhh...
Then she brought her hands down, running them along her hips and over, following the line where her legs joined her body to run lightly through her damp curly hair.
AKANE: This isn't something I wanted to see... KANEDA: Ah, let's just riff all the metaphors he uses.
Suddenly the door was ripped from its sliding tracks, causing Mihoshi to bolt upright,
ALL: (make lightning noises)
eyes wide and her hands still at her crotch, the pressure of her arms at her sides making her breasts stand out even more. Her startled gasp held equal parts surprise and pleasure as her shift in position caused the futon to press strongly against the back of the vibrator, forcing it to greater depths. Desperately, she stabbed at the switch with one finger, bringing heavy silence to the room.
KANEDA:(Yukon Cornelius) Silence's thick as peanut butter! TWISTER: Is it over, yet? AKANE: Yes. (Twister uncovers eyes)
Kiyone stood in the doorway, breathing heavily. Her hands were pressed against the sides of the frame and her legs were close together at the bottom, giving her a slightly crazed look with the way her head sagged forward.
OTHERS: (glance at Akane) AKANE: WHAT DID THAT IMPLY?! OTHERS: Nothing.
The glow from the other room gave her a heavenly backlight, but to Mihoshi she looked far more demonic. Wood creaked in protest from the force she exerted to keep her arms straight in such a small opening.
NOA:............ What?
"Mihoshi..." she growled, a guttural, primalistic sound that cut through the air like a knife.
TWISTER: (Kiyone) Mihoshi! Me kill you! Dildo mine! NOA: (mallets Cap out of his seat) AKANE: (mallets Cap in midair, sending him into the wall!) KANEDA: (ducks the low-flying Cap) Happy landin's! (A *WHUMP!* can be heard. Kaneda flinches.) OOOOOOooooo...
The word partner wandered through Mihoshi's mind in search of something to connect with. All she could say was, "Oh, yes..." almost questioningly at first, but drawing it out into a sibilant hiss.
ALL EX CAP: O_O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; KANEDA: (Nugar) Sibu-luh-ment.
"Mihoshi..." Kiyone repeated, louder and firmer, yet the rest of the thought could not, would not follow.
ALL: (blink a few times at the last sentence.) NOA: I would not, could not, follow there, I would not, could not, anywhere. TWISTER: (is a bit dizzy and looking the worse for wear, but manages to sit back down.)
The word dominant wandered through Mihoshi's mind in search of something to connect with. She looked at Kiyone, then down at herself, then, giving her partner a heavy-lidded gaze and pursing her mouth cutely, she slowly ran her hands up her stomach to tweak her already hard nipples to bright red ripeness.
ALL: Oh... my... GODDESS!! ALMIGHTY:(voice)... It's Megami-sama. ALL:.......................................
As close to climax as Mihoshi was,
AKANE: And as far away from climax as the fic...
she could only imagine one reason for her friend to interrupt her private time. Giving Kiyone what could only be described as an innocently hopeful smile, she cupped and thrust her breasts forward in offering.
KANEDA: (leans back from the massive foreshortening.) Nnnyah!
Kiyone's hands tightened around the doorframe, the creak of tortured wood causing Mihoshi's breath to quicken. Deliberately, Kiyone stopped the outward show of emotion, bringing every muscle under her conscious control.
AKANE: That's impossible! I should know! TWISTER: (To Akane) It's just a figure of speech.
Taking a deep, calming breath, she cleared her throat. "Actions," she said in a barely controlled voice, "speak louder than words."
NOA: And fanfics speak louder than fantasy, apparently.
She lowered her hands and stalked forward into the room, hands balled into fists at her sides.
Mihoshi squeezed her breasts, kneading them softly as her partner approached.
AKANE: *sigh* NOA: (looks over at Cap, who seems to have turned to stone, eyes wide, a thin trickle of blood runnng down his face.) Um... Cap, are you alright? AKANE: (cranks his seat back so he's facing directly up at the ceiling). KANEDA: Kei is gonna be SO pissed...
Little moans of anticipation escaped her lips, and one hand started trembling as she released it and used it for support as she leaned back, drawing her knees up closer and keeping them pressed together.
NOA: And here he goes with the wide angle lens... AKANE: He doesn't really have Nobuyuki's direction for this kind of thing.
Kiyone stopped at the foot of the futon, staring down at the blonde with a smoldering gaze. She leaned forward and set one knee on the futon, taking her weight and crawling forward on her hands, leaving one foot on the floor.
ALL EX CAP: Why?
Her dark hair was severely frizzed, sticking out around her head and forming a halo in the light from behind her.
KANEDA: Can I get an AAAAAAAMEN?! AKANE AND NOA: No.
Mihoshi leaned farther back, using her other hand for support as well. Her breath now came in short, shuddering gasps, and her eyes never left the woman coming for her.
AKANE: Thrills. TWISTER: And spills! OTHERS: TWISTER! TWISTER: What? (cranks chair back up)
Kiyone stopped before her hands reached Mihoshi's feet, leaving her stretched and taut, one leg trailing off the foot of the futon. Her eyes bore into Mihoshi intensely, brooking no disobedience.
KANEDA: Aw Christ, not S&M!
Mihoshi rubbed her knees together in small circular motions, then, at Kiyone's wordless command, spread them far apart, leaving herself open and vulnerable. Her hands twisted and gripped tightly at the sheets.
The rumble of an oncoming train started shaking the cheap apartment.
TWISTER: Oh, he's going for a nice artistic scene, here.
Kiyone's eyes dropped from Mihoshi's, never losing their focus as they traveled down to the vee of blonde hair and the round purplish knob protruding from between tender pink lips.
AKANE: (angrily) All right, we can picture it! Geez...
She shifted her balance to one arm and raised the other, disregarding all notions of being subtle as she reached directly toward her goal.
KANEDA: Kiyone's going for Olympic gold! OTHERS: Kaneda! TWISTER: AIC supports the Mihokiyo Olympic double team. OTHERS: Cap!
Mihoshi squeaked as Kiyone's startlingly cold hands brushed her loins, getting a good solid grip on the molded plastic. "Nyuhaaa," she voiced, biting her lip. Every muscle in her body tensed to the fullest as Kiyone withdrew the long, semi-flexible shaft. Her gasp of relief mixed in with Kiyone's quiet 'ah'.
TWISTER: Nicely complimenting our own collective- ALL: UGH!
The rumbling got progressively louder.
KANEDA: There's the 5:05, right on time. NOA:(checks watch) It's later than that. TWISTER: Noa... we're in a Tolp hole.
Kiyone raised back onto her knees, bringing her other leg forward to better bear her weight. From her lofty vantage point, she looked down on Mihoshi's trembling form with an unreadable expression. Quirkily, she examined the complicated little device in her hands, even turning it on several times in quick succession to watch the expansion rings travel up its glistening length and hear the accompanying buzz.
TWISTER: (Kiyone) Now... what was I doing?
Mihoshi watched apprehensively, fearing what strange things her partner would do to her, yet needing them at the same time.
AKANE: Oh no, he is NOT going to use the "pain and pleasure" cliche!
Kiyone continued to ignore her, toying with the twisting vibrator. Then, before Mihoshi could do or say anything else, she hurled it through the blinds and glass of the window with all of her hate-fueled strength.
*CRASH*
ALL: YAAAAY!
Mihoshi stared in complete disbelief at the ragged, sextoy- shaped hole in the brittle plastic blind, the roar of a passing train echoing the pounding in her ears.
"Ahhh... I feel _so_ much better now," Kiyone said, back to her old self. Rather awkwardly ignoring Mihoshi's spread- eagled form and the sticky moisture on her hands, she got off the futon and left the room without another word.
KANEDA: And THAT is THAT!
Mihoshi stared mutely at the last hole her favorite toy would go through, then down at her own aching body. A stuttered "B-but..." died on her lips as she watched Kiyone carefully prop the door up behind her and wedge it closed, leaving her alone in the dark.
TWISTER: (singing) Ooh oooh, in the dark! AKANE: (ditto) Wandering around without a hope in my heart! TWISTER: (ditto) No hope in my heart! NOA: (ditto) Then Akira came, and he took away my pain! AKANE:(still singing) The Master healed my wounds! And he showered me with food! ALL EX KANEDA; (singing at the top of their lungs) PRAISE BE TO YOU, LORD AKIRA! GUIDE ME AS ONLY YOU CAN DOOOO!!! KANEDA: (looking around) Where's my friggin' laser?
An anguished wail split the night.
ALL: (sweatdrop) TWISTER: Uh...
Mihoshi: WTF was that?! No, I don't care what happens next chapter! I need something NOW!
AKANE: (sarcastic) Oh, I can't wait to see what happens next... OTHERS: (equally sarcastic) Nor can we...
Ryoko: Too bad for her, but the next chapter focuses on Tenchi and I.
ALL: (deadpan) Yi-ppe...
Ayeka: Hey!
TWISTER: How ya doin'?
Ryoko: Oh, don't worry. There's a little surprise in there for you, too. (heh heh heh...)
ALL: (chuckle in sinister fashion)
So be sure and read the final chapter of Needful Things, Pirate Games.
Tenchi: It's pure lemon.
NOA: (Nugar) That means it's sour. ALL: Great... WASHU: (onscreen) Okay guys, break time. We've got the last chapter to do after this.
(The crew get up, stretch, rub feeling back into their... you know, and exit the theater. Get up, stretch your choice extremities, get double the munchies you think you need, and stay tuned for part two... three!)
********************************************************************************
(The crew enters the theater and assume the positions.) AKANE: I'm a bit worried. TWISTER: (To Akane) Why? AKANE: About the lemon. TWISTER: Hey, don't worry about it. I'm in here, riffing the fic right beside you! AKANE: That's why I'm worried, Cap. TWISTER: Oh.
The story arc Needful Things and all its sequels belong to a series called The Odd Man Out. All current parts can be found at https://members.tripod.com/ballisticsausage/index.html
TWISTER: I'm starting to think that ballistic sausage might be a reference to Tenchi's- KANEDA: OKAY, we get it!
Needful Things chapter three: Pirate Games.
AKANE: Um... Arr, matey. OTHERS: Lame. AKANE: It was the only thing I could think of!
A Tenchi Muyo TV series lemon comedy by Nugar.
KANEDA: (Nugar) The "P" stands for- AKANE: (mallets Kaneda) *KWUD!*
Email the author at kichigai@tds.net with any comments.
NOA: No lesbians. AKANE: No overly perverted stuff. KANEDA: Keep 'em in character. TWISTER: No yaoi!
All characters and situations copyright their creators, Hiroki Hayashi and Masaki Kajishima,
TWISTER: BOOOOO!!
and AiC and Pioneer and are used without permission. This is a nonprofit work only.
AKANE: (Nugar) But money's always good.
Tenchi toiled away under the hot sun, occasionally pausing to wipe the sweat from his brow, only to hurriedly get back to work at the snap of a whip.
TWISTER: Tenchi Masaki, doing volunteer work.
He worked shirtless in the fields, his well toned (if not very large)
KANEDA: Pe- OTHERS: NO!
muscles gleamed under a coating of scented oil rubbed in by a pair of very diligent women.
Those same two women sat in folding chairs off to one side, lightly fanning themselves, sipping glasses of lemonade, and chatting idly.
AKANE: (Ayeka) So anyways, I sez to Mabel, I sez- NOA: (Ryoko) So anyway, I'm getting my hair done, then, like, Georgio whispers, like, in my ear, like, stuff, and we like, talked, like, about stuff- THE GUYS: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
They watched him from behind dark glasses, hungrily, possessively, as he hoed weeds and carefully tended the plants.
TWISTER: (Aeka) Work that ho, baby! OTHERS: Twister! TWISTER: Heh heh heh...
Coincidently enough, those were the same two women who loved him, and who he loved, and just one day ago had tripped him up, knocked him down, and informed him in no uncertain terms just how it was gonna be and that he was going to like it.
NOA: Did "it" include sex, by any chance? OTHERS: Yes. AKANE: (Ryoko as Mel Brooks) Hump uh death?
The memory of that event still brought a haze to his vision and a quickened pulse. Though a little ashamed that it had taken two girls to muster the courage that he had lacked, he was extraordinarily happy with the way things had turned out.
KANEDA: (Tenchi) Alright! Hump! HUMP!
His body worked on autopilot as he mused, ever conscious of the two pairs of eyes following his every movement.
KANEDA: Santy Claus is watchin' you.
"Why Princess, I never knew you were so... adventurous," Ryoko replied, not voicing the word that had originally popped into her mind.
ALL: AIIIEEE! HENTAI!
Old habits died hard, but they were nominally good friends now. Mostly. Any girl will arrange a date for a friend, but it takes a _real_ friend to hold him down later. Still, Ryoko was in a little bit of shock at Ayeka's blushing, whispered confession.
Ayeka giggled slightly, then nodded. "It's just one of those silly things that pop into your head, it doesn't mean anything. Mother was explaining to me all these things you're suppose to do with your husband, and I just sort of wondered if it was okay for the man to tie up the woman."
AKANE: (looks at the guys, who look a little awkward) I'm not even going to ask.
"Did you ask her?" Ryoko asked, intrigued despite herself. They'd been talking for nearly the past hour, and the conversation had wandered back over to Tenchi and his performance (not very good, but they were looking forward to round two),
TWISTER: (Mills Lane) The winnah, by knock-up...!
then to other details. Ayeka had been in an amazingly good mood ever since they had finally caught Tenchi, rarely rising to the wicked barbs Ryoko threw her way, and even then only with good-natured jabs. After much consideration, Ryoko finally concluded that the entire time Ayeka's only problem was that she needed to get laid.
NOA: *sigh* He's getting Freudian... AKANE: Exposition alert! Repeat, we are headed into an exposition!
Well, she could relate. Ayeka hadn't been the only one with a tight pair of panties.
THE GUYS: (sweatdrop) AKANE: Hmph!
"Oh, good heavens, no!" Ayeka quickly denied. "It's just not proper! Mother would have been horrified!"
NOA: (Ayeka) She'd hug me for hours on end!
Ryoko chuckled. "Miss Perfect Princess, and she has a naughty little secret..."
KANEDA: (Ryoko) Nudge NUDGE, heh heh heh...
Ayeka frowned. "You're blowing it way out of proportion. It's not that big of a deal, compared to wishing Tenchi was a bounty hunter come to track you down and _rehabilitate_ you."
NOA: Tonight, only on Skinemax.
Ryoko laughed again. "Yes, but I'm not ashamed like you are. It just makes you fun to tease!" She lightly reached out and patted Ayeka's cheek.
Oh, what a snarl.
TWISTER: (Ayeka) So, you wanna be "rehabilitated", huh...? NOA: (Ryoko as Nugar) No. Rehabili-muh-tated.
(Looks like she's back to her old self,) Ryoko thought gleefully. "Now, now Princess, there's no need to get catty.
AKANE:(blinks) Catty? OTHERS: Catty.
Tonight will get here when it gets here." (And,) she continued mentally, (that gives me a really great idea to pay you back for that incident on planet Kaminski.)
TWISTER: They name planets after hockey players? Or is it just the Red Wings? (All look at him strangely) What?
Ayeka sighed, her eyes glazing over in anticipation. "I just wish we could have snuck in last night..."
ALL:(Ayeka as Jim Carrey) Snuck! KANEDA:(narrator) She took Tenchi's... roast beast. TWISTER: More like a quarter pounder...
"Geez, kill him why don't you. Poor Tenchi really needed a rest after yesterday.
KANEDA:(Ryoko) We still have to go at the same time. OTHERS: Kaneda!
Give him time to get used to it."
Ayeka nodded sadly, then brightened. "But, as you say, there will be a tonight!"
NOA: (Ryoko as Carl Weathers) There IS no tomorrow!
"Right. We'd better not push him too hard out here." She set down her glass. "Come on, Tenchi, that's enough for today. You can finish the rest..." she let the sentence trail off. "Later."
ALL:(sinister chuckle)
****************
AKANE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present... Masterpiece Astericks.
"Shh," Ayeka hissed, holding a finger over her lips. "We don't want anyone to know we've gone in Tenchi's room." They paused on the stairs, listening to the sounds of other people echo through the house.
TWISTER: I can't think of anything to say other than: (Ryoko) Shouldn't we be checking for hidden webcams?
(You got that right, Princess...) Ryoko agreed mentally, nodding acquiescence to Ayeka's shushing. (I definitely want to keep _this_ a surprise.)
ALL:....... Uh oh.
Although Ayeka actually made more noise than Ryoko, they were both nearly soundless as they crept into his room. His soft comforter enveloped Ayeka as she lay back into it while Ryoko closed the door.
ALL: AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE! YURI SCENE! YUUUURIII SCEEEEEEENNNNE! (Cap's nose gushes blood. He falls to the floor. Akane and Noa get out the barf bags. Kaneda resumes his mantra.)
"Ah... you don't know how long I've waited for this, she said quietly, turning over to rub her face all over the smooth material.
Ryoko watched her wallow for a few seconds. "And you, Ayeka, don't know how long I've waited for _this_." Before Ayeka could turn, she leaped on her, pressing her face into the bed to muffle the sounds and pinning her arms and legs.
ALL:(recover) Wha?.... RAAAAAAAAAAAPE! (And back to...)
A few moments later, the huge thick blanket was wrapped around her tightly, leaving only her hands and feet sticking out each end.
ALL:............... Oh. TWISTER:(wipes away blood) Okay, she's just sending her to Abu Dhabi. Ha ha... ha... NOA: Cap? TWISTR: Yes, Noa? NOA: That wasn't very funny at all.
Ayeka waved them franticly and mumbled something about breathing, although it was hard to tell as muffled as she was.
KANEDA: Okay, on three. One... two... three. ALL:(Ayeka) Oil can! Oil can!
Ryoko leaned her head close and whispered as loudly as she dared. "You, my dear, sweet, innocent Princess, are a captive of the Space Pirate Ryoko. And no one, _no one_, has ever escaped my clutches."
ALL: (eeeevil laugh)
She flipped her over again, working her bundle into position on the bed. She patted the comforter comfortingly, then leaned in once again. "Don't worry about breathing, this will only take a moment." Withdrawing some items she had placed under the bed earlier by phasing in through the floor, Ryoko quickly got to work.
ALL: TOYS! NNNNOOOO!!
****************
"Come on, Tenchi, it's time for bed. You did know we lowered your bedtime, didn't you?"
NOA:(Ryoko) Where have you been, young man? This is not a hotel! TWISTER:(ditto) It's a brothel! AKANE AND NOA:(mallet Twister) *WHAM!*x2.
Ryoko asked, pressing her nightgown clad body against his and winking at Sasami from across the room.
Sasami giggled, knowing full well what she implied.
ALL: WHAT?! SINCE WHEN?!
So, for that matter, did Tenchi, and he allowed himself to be led away. His confidence boosted by praise from two beautiful women, and the decision-making process largely out of his hands, he could relax and enjoy himself, as long as he didn't think. One niggling question did remain, however.
KANEDA: Boxers or briefs? TWISTER: How do they cram all that Graham? AKANE: Who is Deep Throat? NOA: Will there EVER be a third OAV?
"Ryoko, where is Ayeka?"
ALL: Darn!
"Oh, she's around, don't worry." She slipped behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "Tenchi," she cooed. "Guess what?"
He tried to turn to look at her, but couldn't. "Umm, what?"
Ryoko giggled. "I've got a surpriiiise for you..."
KANEDA:(Ryoko) Somethin' you're really gonna liiike...
Tenchi's mind raced, wondering about the _surprise_, but he gave it up. Whatever was cooked up had to be stranger, anyhow. "I give, what is it?"
ALL:(Ryoko as Xellos) A SECRET!
"You'll see..." Walking along behind him, she guided them to his room and reached around to open the door. Pushing him in ahead of her, she slipped in and shut the door, giving a silent prayer that the rest of the household weren't light sleepers.
Tenchi stared at his bed, the blanket being rather bunched and crumpled, with new lumps in places there weren't usually lumps.
TWISTER:(Nugar) You could call it maligna-muh-lant.
A mass of dark hair was arranged artfully on his pillow, and Ayeka's wide eyes stared at him from just over the edge of the comforter.
NOA: The beds have eyes.
"Do you like it?" Ryoko asked him, unable to wait for a response. "It's an authentic Juraian princess, gift wrapped just for you!"
AKANE:(Ryoko) Happy Weenie Day!
Ayeka's eyes narrowed. "Mmmph. Mmmph mmph mmmpo."
KANEDA: Ayeka Jurai IS Kenny McCormick.
Ryoko rounded on her. "The prisoner will remain silent, or else," she snapped.
"Umm, Ryoko," Tenchi began hesitantly, not sure how to react. "Did you tie her up without her permission?"
NOA:(Ryoko) I thought that was the whole idea.
Ryoko grabbed his head in both hands and kissed him firmly. Withdrawing her tongue, she said, "Don't you worry your handsome little head over things like that. Just leave the details to me." She glanced at Ayeka. "She'll enjoy herself, _if_ she's good."
"Okay," Tenchi agreed. After that kiss, he'd have agreed to almost anything, up to and including marriage.
NOA: Tenchi Masaki IS... uh... THE GUYS: Screwed. AKANE: *grrrr*
Ryoko slid her hands under his shirt, running light fingertips over his smooth, clean skin, delighting in the way his body tensed wherever she touched. She pulled it over his head, assisted in part by his own efforts.
AKANE: Ah, FINALLY the fic comes together. TWISTER: What an interesting turn of events. Who forsaw a sex scene after reading the last chapter? OTHERS: Me.
Tenchi sighed in contentment, a sigh mirrored by her own as she hugged him close, burying her head in his shoulder and inhaling deeply. He wrapped his arms around her in turn, kissing her softly before turning his gaze to where Ayeka was slowly smoldering.
NOA: Oh, so wrapping her up like a gigantic taco automatically negates her ability to call her guardians or summon the log shield. AKANE: It's also made her a LOT less short with Ryoko, too. TWISTER: Ranma Saotome... if you're reading this... AKANE:(mallets him) *WHUMP!* Baka!
"Mmm, you smell good." She ran her hands over his back and pressed harder against him.
KANEDA: She can actually smell his hormones! (Akane smacks him upside the head.)
"I just got out of the bath," he admitted. Her breasts felt wonderful pressed into his chest, and his rapidly stiffening erection pressed into her in return.
KANEDA: Pretty cold bath...
"I wish I could have been there." She kissed him again, this time on the ear.
He shuddered. His gaze diverted from Ayeka, much to her annoyance.
NOA: All of a sudden, the back of Tenchi's head felt surprisingly warm...
Pleased by his response, she kissed him again and again, leaving a cool trail on his flushed skin as she worked her way lower and lower, following the line of his collarbone to his chest, and down that to his stomach. At first only bending at the waist, she soon knelt before him, her hands lightly gripping his waist.
TWISTER:(narrator) All fifteen inches.
Tenchi stared, speechless. He'd heard of such things, but he'd never thought..
KANEDA: I have. THE GIRLS: *sigh* TWISTER: I never had one, so I can't say.
Ryoko threw back her shoulders and peeled out of the gown, leaving herself completely naked at his feet.
TWISTER: Oh, this is Tenchi's first KNEE job. THE GIRLS: (mallet him) *WHAM!*x2
Thoughts derailed, he simply stared.
ALL:(Tenchi) Thaaaat feeels gooood....
Ayeka started to wiggle, upset at the lack of attention.
KANEDA: It's alive!
Ryoko smiled up at him, innocent, friendly, just a loved one having fun.
AKANE: *grumblegrumblehowsweetgrumpgrumpgrumplegrump*
Tenchi relaxed, much of the nervous tension leaving his frame.
NOA: That's not saying much.
"Good, good..." she cooed, working her fingers into the hem of his shorts and pulling them back, outlining his enthusiasm.
KANEDA: ... too easy.
She reversed the pull, pulling them toward her to free any restriction, then down in one smooth pull.
TWISTER: Gee, Ryoko's pretty good for someone who's never done anything like this, before. NOA: But, they got Tenchi. TWISTER:(blinkblinks) Really? When? KANEDA: Last chapter. You were out of it, so we kinda cranked back your seat. TWISTER: ......................... Wakarimasen.
Interested despite herself, Ayeka squirmed to see better.
Ryoko reached out one hand and encircled his penis in one hand, leaving just the head sticking out.
ALL:.............................................. KANEDA: *snicker*... *snick*... AKANE: Okay... size doesn't matter... (barely contains her laughter) NOA: Oh, leave him... (*guffaw*) alone. TWISTER: Remember, it's just... too... easy. (All take a deep breath, then glance at each other for a bit...) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! (Well, knock me up and call me stubby! ~Mr. Twister)
Tenchi flinched at her touch, the colder skin of her hand sending electric shivers up his spine as it contacted his much warmer flesh.
NOA:(Tenchi as Homer Simpson) Urge to screw... rising...
Teasingly, she stroked him twice, her hand stopping at the base of the shaft, pressed into his pubic hair.
He groaned softly.
KANEDA:(Tenchi) I barely even felt that! OTHERS: Kaneda...
She paused to grin at him. "You like that, huh?" Then turned and smirked at Ayeka. "You like that too, don't you?" Suddenly, she leaned forward and...
AKANE: ... and?
And...
ALL: AND?!
Tenchi shivered in anticipation, his eyes glued to her face.
TWISTER: LOVEly mental image, there! >_<
And...
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
His knees started shaking.
TWISTER:(Ryoko) Tenchi dear, do you hear a woodpecker?
Licked, very slightly, just flicking with her tongue, the underside of the swollen, flared head.
KANEDA: Whoa, graphic!
He jerked, hard, groaning in pleasure.
NOA:(Ryoko) OW, my eye! OTHERS: GAH! NOA: Oh, sorry!
Ryoko hastily released him, grabbing his hips to steady both of them. "Easy, there, almost lost it."
ALL: o_O;
"Oh," he shuddered, "Ryoko..."
"MMMPH!" Ayeka complained.
AKANE: A good translation would be; "NEED AIR!"
Ryoko stood and turned to her in a hipshot stance. "Well, if the prisoner doesn't quit complaining, she may be punished.
ALL:.............. No. TWISTER:(Ayeka as Jerry Louis) Please no ouchies, nice lady type dom queen person!
Or," she paused, eyeing Ayeka gleefully, "We could just keep this up _all_ night. How 'bout it, would you like to watch?"
TWISTER:(singin) She likes the way you bounce, bounce-(malleted courtesy of Akane and Noa) *KWUMP!*
Ayeka mumbled something that might have been an 'I'll get you for this!' or maybe a 'Please don't!' but whichever it was, it indicated a dissatisfaction with her current situation.
AKANE: What, no "space whore"? No "uwakionna"? KANEDA: No "HENTAI NO BAKA!"? (Akane delivers a backfist to his face) *WHAP!*
Ryoko grinned triumphantly. She had her right where she wanted her. "Not very fun, is it? I've been wanting to take _my_ Tenchi in front of you for a long, long time. And the best part is, there's nothing you can do about it but watch." She pressed her nude body against Tenchi's own.
TWISTER:(To Tenchi onscreen) You are way too lucky!
Tenchi had watched the little byplay in silence, but now stepped back, out of his shorts. "Ryoko, we can't just leave her like that."
NOA:(Tenchi) We have to let her kill us.
She turned to him. "I wasn't planning on it, but it's so _fun_ to tease... I take it you're ready to open your present now?"
AKANE:(Ryoko) Seeing as how we have Christmas in July and the whole Manatsu No Eve thing...
Tenchi followed her as she walked over and grabbed the covers, pulling them off with a flourish.
KANEDA: Is he trying to look like that Mamoru guy from Sailor Moon? Not!
Quietly, Ryo-Ohki phased through the door looking for Ryoko.
ALL: NOOOOO!!!
She stared silently from where she sat unnoticed in a corner, trying to make sense of the strange things people did.
TWISTER:(Ryo-ohki) Ryoko-oneechan sure is screwy sometimes.
Ayeka lay naked, bound and spread on the bed with her arms and legs tied to the four corners.
TWISTER:(grabs nose) WAH! KANEDA: O_O Holy...
A rope was tied around her head, holding the fluffy white material stuffed in her mouth. Her eyes were dilated to the extreme, and she flinched her head back when Ryoko caressed her cheek.
AKANE AND NOA: NNNNNOOOOO!!!
"This wasn't quite what _I_ had wanted, but I've already had my wish come true," Ryoko said thoughtfully, staring down at her bound rival. "Well, Tenchi? What should we do with the prisoner? She's your pet now. Will you take care of her?"
TWISTER:(holding nose) Ee will nuv her'n pet her'n nall her Norge...
Tenchi nodded, taking it literally. "I'll do everything I can to take care of you both."
NOA: Touching.
Their eyes softened and their hearts swelled at his fervent pronouncement. Then Ryoko tsked and waggled her finger at him.
KANEDA:(Ryoko) Guess where THIS is goin'! OTHERS: Kaneda!
"Well? Go ahead! She's spread and waiting." Seeing his hesitation, she molded herself to his form and guided him, always touching, always yielding to his motions.
TWISTER: All of a sudden, I wanna play Twister. OTHERS: *groan*
Ryo-Ohki cocked her head sideways in puzzlement.
NOA:(Ryo-ohki) Nando? What kinda position is that?
Following her lead, he positioned himself between Ayeka's spread legs and caressed a thigh in each hand.
AKANE:(Ryoko) Now, start rubbing her knees real fast!
Looking down between her breasts, Ayeka could see two bright, shining faces staring up at her, although the expressions were very different.
KANEDA: Uh, remember us? The people watchin' this? What kind've expressions?
"Kiss here," Ryoko pointed, her finger on Ayeka's knee.
Tenchi obediently did so.
TWISTER:(Tenchi) Are we done?
"Lick here," she said again, pointing to a spot higher up on the opposite leg.
AKANE: Ewww...
Ayeka made a soft noise.
Without further prompting, he continued, alternating legs with each kiss, slowly working his way up.
"That's it," Ryoko nodded, "That's the way."
KANEDA: Every weenie has his day.
Ayeka shuddered as his kisses got closer and closer to her sex, his hands gripping her thighs tightly as he began to experiment, nibbling here, licking there.
NOA:(crosses her legs)
"Now, just blow on her, right across there, get close, closer, let your nose touch those lips..."
TWISTER:(Tenchi) But, I'm down between her legs!
Following directions, his cool breath burned on Ayeka's light pink flesh, and she let out a squeal when his nose touched.
(All try to stop the ringing in their ears) AKANE: Oh, I wish that wasn't Jennifer Darling!
"Stop," Ryoko said, halting him. "Give her a kiss, but make it a short one."
Actions suited words, and Tenchi got another squeal.
ALL:(cover ears) OOOOWWW!
The taste was musky, not altogether pleasant, but the simple fact of _what_ he was kissing brought a rush of blood and made it taste better than ambrosia.
TWISTER: Guiness?
Ryoko leaned forward and tickled Ayeka's belly, right along the sides where she was sensitive.
KANEDA: Oh man, don't make her laugh! PLEASE!
Tenchi started to do the same, but Ryoko prevented him with one hand.
NOA:(Tenchi, high-pitched voice) OWIE!!
"What... Oh," he said as she leaned him back, over Ayeka's leg.
AKANE: Nani? Huh?
This time there was no hesitation to her movements, no teasing, no stopping the onrush. She kissed his manhood, licked the length,
AKANE:(makes noise like sandpaper) SsssKRITCH! THE GUYS: AKANE! (cross their legs)
tickled his thighs and stomach...
Ryo-Ohki stared in wide-eyed amazement.
TWISTER:(Ryo-ohki) Whoa... so, this is Twister...
Tenchi was in heaven, and he sounded like a one-man band as Ryoko played him.
ALL:(sweatdrop) ... NOA: ... I'll never be able to listen to Kermit the Frog again. KANEDA: Same here.
Excited, heavy breaths gave way to sharp grunts as she cupped his testicles, cooing and kissing each one in turn before devouring his length so fully her nose pressed into his groin.
TWISTER: Why is she cooing? Why? AKANE: It raises the author's self-esteem. That's why.
Her head bobbed repeatedly, guided by Tenchi's own hands curled in her hair as he approached climax.
AKANE: Speaking of which, how much longer is this scene going to drag on?!
His hips bucked and writhed as she continued her ministrations, until finally he could stand no more. He gave a shout, a moan, and a sigh in the same breath as Ryoko's head paused, her lips no longer touching him.
Ryoko turned and grinned at Ayeka. "You got all that?" she asked smugly, moving to make sure Ayeka could see the viscous milky seed climbing its way out and flowing down in great sticky globs.
ALL: UUUUGH! >_<
Giving Ayeka one last smile, she struck out her tongue and touched the tip to one stream, then drew it back in and smacked her lips thoughtfully. "Not bad, you should try it." She had an idea. "In fact..."
TWISTER:... Who wants oatmeal? (Cap is promptly malleted by the crew.) *FWABAM!*x3 SAL: I do!
Ayeka watched in morbid fascination as Ryoko extended her tongue to the utmost and licked upwards, catching most of Tenchi's semen still on its journey.
AKANE: "Morbid fascination"?
None could be wasted, apparently, as Ryoko licked around the base of the again expanding shaft, cleaning Tenchi thoroughly before returning to Ayeka.
NOA: -_- Lovely...
Her mouth closed, Ryoko crawled around to Ayeka's side, leaning in over her face. Parting her lips very slightly, she forced a thin stream out to anoint Ayeka's forehead, then one quickly closed eye, then her cheek, and finally, the final touch, one large gob on the tip of her nose.
TWISTER: Yeah... erotic scene. Not.
Tenchi watched in extreme fascination, his erection already starting the climb upwards.
KANEDA:(announcer) Tenchi Masaki is NOT Paul Bunyan...
Ayeka mmphed and shook her head back and forth, only to be rather forcefully stopped by Ryoko grabbing her face in a firm grip.
Tucking the remainder to one side in her cheek, Ryoko whispered fiercely in Ayeka's ear. "Knock it off, Princess. That's Tenchi's come, or have you forgotten?" Seeing her relent, Ryoko again leaned forward and firmly licked it off Ayeka's cheek and forehead, her tongue digging and probing to clean Ayeka's eye.
THE GIRLS: AW NO!! KANEDA: How is this supposed to be sexy? TWISTER: My nose is still dry...
She grinned, a smug I-know-something-you-don't grin at Ayeka's bewilderment.
ALL: Wha?
The dollop on her nose having slid, Ryoko simply devoured the other girl's nose, sucking firmly down the length much like she had a few minutes before.
ALL:(sweatdrop)
The comparison was not lost on Tenchi, who reacted accordingly. He shifted his position uncomfortably, unable to remain still. Natural feminine pheromes
ALL: Pheromones. NOA:(Nugar) Phero-mo-rones.
were playing merry hell with his mind, and his IQ dropped to low double digits.
KANEDA:(Tenchi) Whoa... lemon time!
Tenchi was happy, Tenchi was horny, and anything good that ever happened to him from that moment on was pure bonus.
AKANE: HENTAI!
Her captive's face now finished, Ryoko moved down, dribbling little bits of Tenchi all over Ayeka's right breast, encircling the nipple, then swinging back around to pick up the trail, leaving only moist, tweaked flesh.
ALL: "Tweaked"? o_O;
A thin trickle of blood poured from Ryo-Ohki's nose.
ALL: RUN, CABBIT!!
Ryoko turned and grinned at Tenchi, licking her lips. As far as she was concerned, this was for Tenchi, not the princess.
TWISTER:(Nugar) You, the readers decide.
Tenchi had no complaints. He bobbed his head, indicating that she should continue.
AKANE:(makes cracking sound)
Ayeka's eyes started rolling back in her head, showing that she, too was enjoying Ryoko's attentions.
ALL: -_-;
Acutely aware that Tenchi was behind her, Ryoko wiggled her rear as she planted a trail of kisses up the hollow of Ayeka's throat. Upon reaching her ear, she bit the earlobe, hard.
ALL: ITAI! (grab their ears) HENTAI!
Ayeka mmphed in displeasure, then her eyes flew wide as Ryoko dribbled into her ear. Convulsively, her hands twisted around the ropes that bound her, pulling and stretching with all her might as Ryoko's greedy tongue explored the recesses of her ear, seeking the elusive taste of Tenchi.
NOA: Tonight, on Discovery...
By now that particular taste was getting a little thin, mixed in with Ryoko's saliva and with more and more being swallowed, bit by bit. When, finally tiring of this game, Ryoko spit the remainder out into Ayeka's navel, there was barely enough to fill it and that was only with Ryoko's addition.
KANEDA: Not to slam the guy's logic or anything, but that was already too freakin' much.
Ryoko sat back on her haunches to survey the situation. "Are we all having fun?" she asked brightly.
ALL:(Tenchi) YES, HENTAI-SAMA!
Tenchi moaned something in reply. So, for that matter, did Ayeka.
TWISTER:(Ayeka) No mooore...
"Right. Now, little naughty Princess, do you promise to be good? If you're not good, I'll leave you tied up."
Ayeka nodded franticly and mumbled assent.
AKANE: I don't think OAV Ryoko would enjoy this. TWISTER: OAV?! Not even TV Ryoko was this blatant!
Ryoko cocked her head sideways. "Are you sure?"
Another nod.
KANEDA: She's absolutely sure she wants out!
"Well, I don't know. I don't trust you. I say we leave her tied up. We can have fun without her, Tenchi!"
Ayeka shook her head furiously.
Not trusting himself to speak, he shook his head. Finally, "I-I think we should untie her. It's not really fair."
KANEDA: Life's a bitch.
"Life's not fair," Ryoko replied.
KANEDA: That, too.
"But alright. How bout a compromise?"
They both raised eyebrows at her.
ALL: ^_-
She grinned, then reached under the bed for more rope. By carefully loosening one rope and pulling in the slack with the new one, Ryoko was able to tie Ayeka's knees together, despite Ayeka's efforts to resist. It was quite a struggle to tie her arms the same way, but with persistence and strength, she succeeded.
Now freed from the bed, she started to reach for the gag and sit up, but Ryoko's hand stopped her as Ryoko again leaned over and sucked the semen from Ayeka's belly. Only after that would she allow Ayeka to sit up, and then Ryoko undid the gag herself and pulled out a plain pair of cotton panties that had been stuffed into Ayeka's mouth.
Tenchi sat at the very foot of the bed on his legs, absentmindedly fondling himself.
ALL: MY EYES!
"Gah, that was terrible!" Ayeka complained, then eeped and went silent at Ryoko's frown and finger wag.
Holding her hand cupped under her mouth, Ryoko spit the somewhat thinning fluid into her palm. "Now, little Princess, I hope you took notes when I was pleasuring Lord Tenchi here, because now you're going to do the _exact_ _same_ _thing_..."
NOA: How horrible!
Ayeka's eyes widened, and she shook her head. "No, please, no! Don't make me do that!"
NOA: I mean it! I don't like that!
Tenchi frowned and started to say something, but Ryoko cut him off.
THE GUYS: (grab their groins) AIIIEEEEE!
"The captive appears reluctant. Well, it looks like you'll have to teach her a lesson, won't you?" Ryoko smirked.
"I don't know if I should. She doesn't want to."
THE GIRLS: Good for her!
"You don't know how?" Ryoko asked in mock astonishment. "Oh, I'm sorry, here, let me show you."
"No, Ryoko, I won't force..." he trailed off as he caught Ayeka's clandestine wink at him. "Oh. Right." Tenchi shut up before he said anything else stupid.
NOA:...................
Forcefully, but with careful tenderness, Ryoko tilted Ayeka's head up and turned her hand down over Ayeka's upturned mouth. Two of her strong fingers forced Ayeka's jaw open where she held her by the throat, just as the first drops splattered into Ayeka's open mouth. Quickly she turned her hand back over, stopping the flow as her other hand forced Ayeka's mouth to close and patting her cheek as she swallowed. "Good girl, good girl, that wasn't so bad, now was it?"
AKANE: SICK! TWISTER: (stays silent, for fear of malleting)
Ayeka nodded and gulped audibly, her eyes staring hungrily at Tenchi, then Ryoko, wanting more.
TWISTER:(Ayeka) Stubby or saucy? Stubby or saucy?
"Go on, clean it up," Ryoko encouraged, holding her hand out palm forward, allowing Ayeka to lick.
KANEDA:(singing) When the semen comes along... you must li... the HELL am I singing?!
Lick she did, her delicate red tongue lapping at Ryoko's palm, showing every bit of the pirate's diligence in licking up Tenchi's seed.
TWISTER: What talent. I'm sure that's a lifelong skill.
Her gaze bored into Tenchi from around Ryoko's hand as she licked farther and farther up Ryoko's upturned fingers.
Pleased, she spread her fingers to allow access to the inner edges, moving her hand so Ayeka concentrated on her index finger, then making her hunt it, drawing her mouth around and around in circles as Ayeka hungrily lapped for the digit, her tongue extended and twisting in the hunt. Finally, Ryoko let her have it, sliding it deep past those waiting lips, letting Ayeka's tongue lash and twirl around her finger. Then she lifted, not removing the finger but making Ayeka tilt her head back as far as it would go, exposing the tender, pale throat.
AKANE: *Crick!* (Ryoko) Uh oh...
Judging by his flush, his heavy, labored breathing, and his obvious... tension, Tenchi appreciated Ryoko's creativity.
NOA: I wonder what happened to Ryo-ohki?
"See, Tenchi?" Ryoko said, drawing three light fingertips over Ayeka's vulnerable throat, sending a shiver up both Ayeka's and Tenchi's spine.
Poor Ryo-Ohki finally passed out on the floor, blood spewing from her nose.
TWISTER:(John Cleese) This... is an ex... cabbit.
"There's really nothing to it. She _wants_ to do it, but she just won't admit it. But she will now, won't you?" Ryoko explained, smoothly withdrawing her finger.
Ayeka nodded earnestly, looking at Tenchi the entire time.
KANEDA:(Ayeka) I don't give a damn who said that!
Ryoko grinned and laughed, nodding her own head along Ayeka's. "Yes, I knew you would," she chuckled, not quite evilly. "Get to it, then, and don't disappoint us. You_will_ be punished..."
ALL: Fudge crackle...
Wordlessly, already trembling in excitement, Ayeka swung her bound knees around under herself, relying on Ryoko's assistance only slightly.
TWISTER: Whoa... yoga...
Her bound forearms provided support for her torso and she splayed her legs at her knees to keep herself from falling over as she positioned her knees under her.
Tenchi spread his own legs and lay back, determined to enjoy himself. Unfortunately, he forgot something.
*WHUMP*
"Tenchi!" both of the girls exclaimed at once, staring in shock where Tenchi had lost his balance and fell off the foot of the bed.
ALL:(ROFL)
Springing to his feet with all the grace of an overweight cow, he scratched the back of his head in embarrassment, or maybe he just had a lump. "Oww, I'm okay, really," he assured them, his cheeks bright red.
AKANE:(Tenchi) But, I think I broke it. THE GUYS: Akane!
They both tittered in amusement, momentarily forgetting the situation.
AKANE:(Ryoko) Tenchi... *titter* you're so dumb... KANEDA:(ditto) I laugh at your pain. *giggle*
This time he was a little more careful in his positioning as he scrambled back into bed. "Where were we?" he asked breathlessly.
NOA:(Tenchi) Were we just doing something?
"The dreaded space pirate Ryoko was just forcing the snooty but easily tamed princess to pleasure her lover despite her protestations," Ryoko replied promptly.
NOA: I sense the leather coated typing finger of Naga the Serpent was behind that last line... TWISTER:(nose goes) YIPE! Noa! NOA: Oops!
They both looked at her strangely.
"What?"
AKANE:(Ryoko) Vootschteps, vootschteps! (All give her a look) Vat? Vat?!
They exchanged a look, then turned back to her, unspoken questions written across their faces.
TWISTER: Jigglypuff's at it again!
Ryoko frowned and slapped Ayeka across her rump. "Get to it, Princess!"
KANEDA:(Ryoko) Ravish thine handsome prince despite thy protestations!
Tenchi's confusion and questions about Ryoko's strange behavior soon disappeared as Ayeka greedily enveloped him in her mouth, making up for her lack of inventiveness with sheer enthusiasm.
TWISTER:(Tenchi) Oh man, what a deal! AKANE: How come your nose isn't bleeding? TWISTER: I've already seen this done once this fic.
Ryoko watched contentedly, lounging in a seductive, powerful pose crafted to make her feel as if she was in a private lair somewhere, directing things according to her whim.
NOA:(Ryoko) This makes me feel SO... dirty... like a lemon writer...
As her (mostly) private fantasy played itself out, something deep inside herself was finally satisfied.
AKANE: RYOKO NO HENTAI! OTHERS:(clutch left arms) AKANE: Stop that!
Her huge smile was of pure happiness, but the grin that tugged at the edges was born of her mischievous and playful nature. It was time to really join in the fun.
KANEDA: Really? OTHERS:(Ryoko) Really.
Ayeka's mouth worked Tenchi over, her tongue always moving, lips always tugging him closer to the edge. It was proving more difficult this time, for Ryoko had already tired him out some. Suddenly Ayeka yelped, feeling a hand slide up the inside of her thigh. "Ryoko!" she exclaimed, turning her head to see.
AKANE AND NOA:(cover their eyes) KANEDA: I say again, Kei is not happy... TWISTER:(has turned to stone) KANEDA: ... well, looks like I'm goin' alone.
"Quiet!" Ryoko snapped, pinching the flesh of the thigh between forefinger and thumb.
Apprehensively, she resumed her task, slowly relaxing as Ryoko's hand stroked the inside of her thigh, the other caressing her firm, heart-shaped rear. Her eyes closed in pleasure, no longer caring in the slightest that it was her old rival behind her. She could always pretend Tenchi had really long arms.
KANEDA: Oh, so this is this the "ook ook" Juraian joke? It sucks.
With casual curiosity Ryoko traced the cleft of her cheeks with one finger, her touch firm from Ayeka's spine back, fading into feather-light tickles over Ayeka's tender anus, and probing, repeating strokes across her moist, cool labia.
KANEDA:(Ryoko) Itchy-kitchy-koo! OTHERS: Lame! KANEDA: Least I'm tryin'!
Ayeka's gasps guided her, as did Tenchi's delighted moans.
KANEDA: Makes sense in a really weird, hentai kinda way.
"Huungh!" Ayeka groaned, barely resisting her impulse to clench her jaws shut. Instead she screwed her eyes tight, trying to both ignore and concentrate on the goings on at her nether regions.
KANEDA: Ah, this ain't so bad. THE GIRLS: Can we look? KANEDA: Come on, you could watch an Alienboy52 fic. This is nothin'.
Ryoko had two fingers buried in Ayeka's cleft, and was tempted to add a third, sliding the tip to where it just touched, and then drawing back.
NOA:(To Akane)Don't look at me like that! AKANE:(turn to Noa) Huh? NOA: YIKES! STOP THAT! (edges away) AKANE: Oh, give me a... Noa, I'm not like that! NOA: Really? AKANE: Really. Why would I lie? SAL: Cuz you wanna get laid. (Yukinojo: Somebody! ANYBODY!) AKANE: SAL NO HENTAI! SAL: Arigato gozaimasu, Akane-chan! AKANE: Don't call me that! KANEDA:(sweatdrops as the two continue arguing)
Finally, she went for broke, gingerly inserting her left index finger into the warm, moist cavity.
NOA: *sigh* Might as well sit it out. God knows how many fanboys write this stuff. AKANE: Hentais...
Ayeka moaned softly and rocked back against Ryoko's hand, who pressed it in ever harder.
KANEDA: Hey, she's enjoying it... that's not supposed to happen. AKANE:(Nugar) Logic as opposed to lemon logic? Hmmm, lemme think-no! Watch my fantasies, all ye without a life!
Tenchi sat up and watched this in annoyance, frustration and torment warring across his features. He cursed mentally, wished she'd at least finished him first!
NOA: Shouldn't we try to snap Cap out of it? KANEDA: I would, but I got no clue what he's in. TWISTER:(SO out of it) Fanboy Land, Kaneda... Fanboy Land... AKANE:(sweatdrop) We'll just let it... run its course. KANEDA: Who put you in charge? AKANE: Do you have a clue on what'll snap him out of it? KANEDA: Yeah, the end of the lemon scene. AKANE: That's what I was thinking. Let the hentai dream. TWISTER:(Just GONE) Arigato gozaimasu...
Ayeka rode a wave of pleasure, pushing backwards against Ryoko's wandering fingers.
KANEDA:(Ayeka: he's in dub, so he sounds like a surfer) WHOA! This is like, totally GNARLY! AKANE: Wipeout!
She wanted, no, she needed release after having been tied up so long. The lust for freedom ached within her, and she belonged completely to whoever would provide it. (A contradiction that she was too far gone to appreciate.)
NOA: Nugar... a profound hentai.
Watching Ayeka's wonderful mouth steadily get farther and farther away, Tenchi scooted closer, abandoning grace for simply getting there.
AKANE:(Tenchi, impatient) In... in... IN!
Dammit, he couldn't stand this much longer!
ALL: Thanks for sharing!
Ryoko used both hands, alternating fingers and pressure, drawing on her own knowledge of what she herself liked to do.
KANEDA: Not knowing that a fanboy's got a voodoo plushie he plays with when nobody's home...
One hand emerged, sticky, slick fluid coating her fingers.
ALL: Ew.
That same hand wandered idly north, back to one of the places she had skipped over on the previous journey. One slick finger probed at Ayeka's hole, pressing hard and firm at the entrance.
ALL: ACK! NOT ANAAAALL!!
"Whoa! Whoa!" Ayeka protested. "Oh, no, I don't think so!" Where she had been pressing backwards she now leaned forwards, trying to get away from the deviant pirate.
ALL: Thank GOD!
The ropes on her arms and legs prevented a crawl, and Ayeka ran into Tenchi's hard stomach as he tried to entice her into finishing what she'd started.
ALMIGHTY:(voice) Gomen nasai! ALL: o_o;
Ryoko was having none of it. She walked forward on her knees, forcing Ayeka farther down on the bed, till the point where she was just barely able to keep herself from laying prone. "I don't remember asking you. You're _my_ prisoner, remember?"
NOA: Yeah, but THAT is cruel and unusual!
"Ryoko, don't... Ngyyh!" she gagged, although Tenchi was still several inches from his goal. Her entire body convulsed as Ryoko pressed in, the intruding digit pressed just inside the tight, guarding ring of muscle.
ALL:(turn green. Twister's still in Fanboy Land, by the way.)
The tip of one tongue protruded from the corner of her mouth as Ryoko concentrated, one hand pumping and twisting, the thumb teasing Ayeka's clitoris, and the other hand splayed lightly across one muscular cheek, just the very tip placed inside Ayeka.
AKANE: (eyebrow twitces in time with Ayeka's gasps and groans) NOA: Stop the MADNESS! KANEDA:(pinches bridge of nose to stop oncoming headache) Times like this I'm glad I'm not a virgin, anymore...
"Girls, come on!" Tenchi finally growled in frustration, not at all happy about being forgotten. Ayeka's face remained squinched, her eyes shut and her jaw clenched on her tongue. "That's it..." Sometimes a man had to do what a man had to do.
KANEDA: What the hell's Sasami been feeding this kid? Spine-o-grow?
Ryoko stroked Ayeka's mound, filling her with three fingers as once.
AKANE: How did you hit "s" when you wanted to type a "t"? It doesn't make sense!
She also alternated gentle pushes and pulls with her other hand, the already lubricated finger gradually meeting less and less resistance as Ayeka became used to the sensations.
NOA: Nobody would enjoy this! Right, Cap? TWISTER: ............. Sal might... right, Sal? SAL: Captain Twister, I agree with you! =^_~= NOA:(sweatdrop)
Tenchi, meanwhile, had finally taken matters into his own hands. He carefully eased back out from under the princess's head and onto the cold floor, walking around to the side of the bed where Ryoko was kneeling.
Despite being rather engrossed in her task, Ryoko wasn't so far gone as to not notice his coming.
KANEDA:(Ryoko) Well, that was a lot faster than I expected! THE GIRLS: Kaneda!
Her hands slipped back out, eliciting a gasp from Ayeka, and pulled on Ayeka's hips, bringing her back so only her rump stuck into the air.
NOA: Geez, talk about your money shots... AKANE: You didn't have to use a wide angle lens, you know!
Before Tenchi could get back on the bed, she'd moved aside, gesturing at the waiting, shivering woman with no small amount of pride.
ALL:........................... NOA: Did that mean Ayeka had a large amount of pride? KANEDA: Don't think. Nod. Smile!
"Ready when you are, Lord Tenchi. She's primed and ready. Make 'er howl."
KANEDA:(Ryoko) You're gonna beat her like a red-headed stepchild! (The other two look at him oddly, while Cap just sort of... looks.) What?
"Ohhh thank you," Tenchi said in quiet desperation, from the bottom of his heart and possibly lower.
ALL:(snicker sarcastically)
He kneeled on the bed and positioned himself behind Ayeka.
AKANE: YAAAAAAAH! KEEP IT OUT OF THERE! ALL:(cover eyes) TWISTER:................................... na...ni?
"Anything for you," Ryoko replied sincerely, a little queasiness in her stomach from the way he said it. (And that's how you know it was worth it,) she thought.
ALL:(start humming "Glory Glory Hallelujiah"to drown out the oncoming scene.)
No finesse, no hesitation, and only a brief fumble as he tried to position his stiff member, Tenchi plunged in with all his might.
KANEDA:(uncovers eyes) S'aright. He got the right hole. OTHERS:(uncover eyes) AKANE: Alright, I've had enough. If I can take this, so can Cap! (thwacks Cap on the back of the head) *THWACK!* TWISTER: ITAI! .... thank you, Akane. AKANE: We're going to have to put up with a lot worse than this, so you might as well learn to like it. SAL: Akane?! YOU like THIS?! AKANE: No! NONONONONO! I meant TOLERATE IT! Not LIKE it! SAL: ... oh. That's okay! I still love you! ALL:.................................... (begin to tuck their pants into their socks.)
Ayeka bit her lip, almost drawing blood as she felt the touch of the two hands belonging to the man she loved, a touch she'd never forget and always desire.
TWISTER: But... she's getting it right now. Why would she keep desiring it? NOA:(Nugar) It's romantamamic, you boring, ordinary fanboy!
She cried out the moment his engorged shaft penetrated her and clasped her bound hands beneath her chin, pressing her face into the sheets.
AKANE:(Ayeka) Ooooh, Fleecy(tm)!
Ryoko was once again left on the sidelines, but not as a spectator. No, she was the director of this scene, and she loved it.
TWISTER: So, Nugar's something like the director's assistant? AKANE: Cap, don't think too much about it. TWISTER: I'm just saying- AKANE: Just don't!
Grunts and moans filled the air, Ayeka's shrill exclamations punctuating Tenchi's rhythmic grunts of effort.
KANEDA:(Ayeka)AH! NOA:(Tenchi) GRUNT! KANEDA:(Ayeka) AH! NOA:(Tenchi) GRUNT! KANEDA:(Ayeka) AH! NOA:(Tenchi) GRUNT! KANEDA:(Ayeka) AH! NOA:(Tenchi) GRUNT! KANEDA:(Ayeka) AH! NOA:(Tenchi) GRUNT! TWISTER AND AKANE: SHUT UP!!
He held nothing back, becoming a driving, unstoppable force concerned only with going deeper and deeper.
TWISTER:(Tenchi) Chug. Chug. Chugga chugga. Chugga Chugga...
His entire body quaked, a violent shudder that swayed Ayeka from side to side as he withdrew for another pounding. None too experienced to begin with, Tenchi's stamina was severely lacking, and he'd already been brought dangerously close to climax, only to be repeatedly denied as his partners kept forgetting about him. Well, he'd show them! He'd do it, he'd do it, he'd do it right! That one thought became a mantra, holding him in a steady, Zen-like trance, as close to nirvana as he'd ever achieve.
NOA: Oh, so this is Tantra, now? OTHERS: No.
If Tenchi had jumped on her when they first started, Ayeka would have outlasted him.
KANEDA: Again, that's REALLY not sayin' much.
But as Ryoko had planned, Ayeka too had been brought extremely close to climax, and had been turned on considerably longer than Tenchi had. Ropes, being caught, being forced to do unspeakable things...
AKANE:(Ryoko) GOD, I feel dirty!
Her body convulsed, a great walloping tidal wave of... something, something that mad her heart sing, her insides quake, her mouth scream...
ALL: TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI:(voice) Leave me out of this! ALMIGHTY: We're busty- I mean, busy! ALL: O_O;;;;;;; (If there's a God, and he's anything like my sunday school teacher said he was, I've been put down as "hellish little shit disturber" since I was five. ^_^ ~Mr. Cap Twister)
"Come on! Come on! Now! Now! Now!"
TWISTER:(Tenchi) I AM Ritsuko Akagi! OTHERS: Twister! TWISTER: Heh...
Tenchi yelled. Stars, hearts, and red balloons swam before his eyes, a kaleidoscope of color and sensation that kept building and building and building.
AKANE: KABOOM! (looks down, Tenchi voice) Oh my God! THE GUYS: AKANE! (turn green and cros legs) AKANE: HA! Serves you right!
Ayeka wailed dejectedly, screaming and barking, the release there but driving her mad.
That was it. Tenchi's mind was gone, his senses insensate, his body on autopilot as he thrust three final times, sliding Ayeka across the sheet with the force as his climax hit...
ALL: Oh, PLEASE! KANEDA: Tenchi's not a friggin' elephant gun!
And left him panting and wheezing, collapsed upon Ayeka's bare back. His muscles felt like jelly, and his bones no longer supported his weight. Absently, one part of his mind wondered if he'd have a heart attack, such was the volume of the blood pounding in his ears.
Ryoko crawled to his side and flipped him over, staring down into his face as comprehension was restored to his eyes.
"Thank you," he murmured, exhaustion claiming him. Her soft kiss was the last thing he felt as he slipped into deep slumber.
****************
KANEDA:(James Earl Jones) This, is C, NN.
Singing.
Ryoko grunted and turned over, pawing her hands in the air, as if to bat away the annoying sound.
AKANE:(Tenchi) OW! Who hit me?!
A wordless sound of joy, flitting about the room in pure happiness.
TWISTER:(Ryoko) AWAY, wonders of the waking world!
Arms cradled her head, and a pair of lips pressed firmly into her own. Ryoko smiled happily and kissed back, awareness slowly piercing the veil of sleep that owned her.
AKANE:(Ryoko) Wait, I take it back!
A creak, and then sounds of another smooch, loud and long.
KANEDA: SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NOA: Cut it, out, Kaneda!
Ryoko stirred slightly, cuddling closer to Tenchi.
A voice, chirpy, happy, female. "Good morning!"
ALL: Wa, wa, waaaa...
Ryoko grumbled, clutching at the covers.
TWISTER:(Ryoko) Not the early morning fangirls!
A scent, warm and rich, tickling the nose and stimulating the tastebuds.
ALL:(Sasami) Breakfast is reeeaadyyy!
That did it. Ryoko's eyes snapped open almost audibly, and, suddenly ravenous, she moved with the now stirring Tenchi to sit up in bed and look around.
Bright eyed and bushy tail... Well, it was certainly bright, the pale skin gleaming in the morning sunlight, but bushy didn't really apply. Smooth, yes, firm, the particular tail in question was only about a foot from Ryoko's bleary eyes, but moving rapidly.
ALL: o_O; (And somewhere, in the distance, a cow can be heard.) *Moooooooooo...*
"Gah, what a thing to wake up to first thing in the morning," Ryoko complained, then yawned.
ALL:(Think about the position of Ryoko's face) EEEYUCK! >_<
"What was that?" Ayeka asked innocently, standing up with the tray she'd been retrieving off the floor. The scent of breakfast was suddenly tripled, setting Ryoko's mouth to watering. The well laden tray drew inexorably nearer.
"Food..." breathed Tenchi from her side, his stomach rumbling in punctuation.
NOA:(Tenchi) FEED ME!
Her own growled back.
TWISTER:(Tenchi's stomach) Rrrr... AKANE:(Ryoko's stomach) Rrrrr...! TWISTER:(Tenchi's stomach) Rrrr! AKANE:(Ryokos stomach) RRRR!! TWISTER:(Tenchi's stomach) BARK BARK BARK! AKANE:(Ryoko's stomach) AR RAR RAR RAR RAR! TWISTER:(Tenchi's stomach) *whine whine whine...* KANEDA: Like we didn't see that comin'.
They both sat up carefully as Ayeka placed the deep tray on the bed, careful not to let any of the miso soup spill.
NOA: Miso... it's always miso... TWISTER: Wouldn't they get tired after eating nothing but bean paste day after day?
As hungry as they were, first things were still first.
KANEDA: They gotta pay the rent.
"Umm, did you cook this?"
AKANE:(Tenchi) I'm feeling rather cold and impotent.
Momentarily hurt, Ayeka laughed it off. "Of course not, silly. I asked Sasami to earlier, and then I decided to serve it to you in bed."
KANEDA:(Ayeka) I'm ALWAYS the early bird, you know.
Ryoko shrugged and dug in, but as hungry as he was, Tenchi still had one question.
"In _that_?"
_Then_ he dug in. He didn't need an empty mouth to be able to hear.
AKANE:(gets to thinkin' aour somebofy else and emits a growl that one could mistake for "Ranmaaa...")
"Yep!" she replied, nodding, then turned and ran/slid across the room to start picking up the mess.
ALL:(blinkblink) ... "Yep"? TWISTER: Okay, in Universe, Ayeka's speech pattern was suffocatingly formal. It's part of what made her Ayeka in the eyes of a lot of fans. WHY are you trying to make her seem so Sasami-ish?
_That_ was not much. Ayeka jiggled freely, erect nipples easily visible in the morning chill, especially since she had nothing on over them.
THE GUYS: Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy, boing boing boing boing! THE GIRLS: (a great big *HMPH!*)
A pair of Tenchi's socks protected her feet from the cold floor, the loose toes flapping only slightly as she slid across the smooth wood to pick up the unconscious cabbit and wipe up the dried blood with a tissue.
NOA: That's a VERY thick tissue to be able to wipe away caked blood... AKANE: On fur, no less. TWISTER: CABBIT fur, at that.
Which brought two pairs of eyes to Ayeka's fashion statement as she bent over, the pair of white cotton panties from the night before, pulled up in the front, but the rear had been bunched and tucked under the curve of her lovely buttocks.
TWISTER: Nugar, you are NOT Masamune Shirow(-sempai)! KANEDA: Nice view, though.
She turned back to them, clutching the warm, fuzzy cabbit to her bare breasts. "It made me feel... Deliciously naughty.
ALL: GYAAAAAAAA!! (cover eyes)
And speaking of naughty, for the kidnapping and subsequent ravishing of a Princess of Jurai, the space pirate Ryoko is now on the most wanted list.
KANEDA: Oh, ravishing's capital punishment, now? THE GIRLS: Good! NOA: Right now, in homes the world over, fanboys are weeping.
We will be tracking you down and punishing you shortly." She paused and inspected Tenchi with wide, bright eyes. "Or at least sometime after Tenchi-sama is sufficiently rested."
AKANE: Well, it's nice to see that the NEW Ayeka still minds her manners and has a sense of decency...
"Dear Kamisama," Ryoko mumbled under her breath. "I should have _never_ untied her last night."
Tenchi shoveled in more food and nodded.
TWISTER: And a good laugh was had by all.
****************
NOA: Oooooo, a new page! OTHERS:(deadpan) Huzzah... NOA: That's enough with Pod People! TWISTER: No, I can never watch that episode enough.
Later that morning they were interrupted by someone beating on the front door with some urgency.
*WHAM WHAM WHAM*
AKANE: Nice Foley.
"Don't worry, Sasami!" Tenchi called. "I'll get it!"
TWISTER:(Tenchi) If it's some fat kid named Pokey, I'm off on an adventure to the eight My Sanctuaries! (all look at him strangely) What? Whaaat?!
Ryoko and Ayeka, both now wearing decent clothes, followed him closely, curious as to who would be so rudely banging on their door this early in the morning.
ALL:(Ikeuchi-san, the Happpy Porno Lady) Good morning, dearies.
They all rushed to the door, the girls fanning out behind him as Tenchi opened it.
KANEDA: They're in their "new Tenchi girl" formation. AKANE:(Tenchi) Oh, hi Sakuya. TWISTER AND NOA:(Ryoko and Ayeka) DIE, WHORE BITCH BITCH WHORE!!
On the other side slouched a ragged, haggard Kiyone.
TWISTER:(Kiyone) Okay Tenchi. Now, I'm warning you, Mihoshi gets enthusiastic-(malleted by Akane and Noa) *DOUBLE WHAM!* THE GIRLS: THEY, ARE, NOT, LESBIANS!
Her hair was a mess, her clothes probably hadn't been changed in a while, and they could smell the stench of old sweat. Three scabbed scratches crossed her cheek, and there were bruises visible up and down her arms.
KANEDA:(Kiyone) VERY enthusiastic. NOA: Don't you start!
They stared in shock, noting the dark circles under her eyes. She was obviously extremely tired.
TWISTER: Is it just me, or has she been stnding in the doorway for a while? (It's just a phenomenon that occurs when a fic is MSTed. I know it defies everything from Relativity theory to creative liscense, but hey- sue me! ~Mr. Cap Twister)
She fell to her knees, whether in supplication or from simple exhaustion was hard to say, and grabbed for Tenchi's shirt, balling it in each hand. "Oh, please, oh, please, you've got to help me!"
NOA:(Kiyone) I NEED to have an orgasm! OTHERS:(look at her in shock) NOA! NOA: Just getting in the spirit. ^_^
"Easy, easy!" Tenchi said soothingly, grabbing her hands in his. "Calm down, please, just tell us what's wrong!"
Looking fearfully behind her, as if afraid someone or something would burst into view after her, she gulped and tried to control her babbling. "It's Mihoshi, she's gone crazy! You've got to stop her!"
ALL:(sweatdrop) KANEDA: Yeah, I can see Mihoshi goin' on a rampage if somebody hides her favorite toy. TWISTER:(nervously) New rule... NEVER take anything from the pilot! AKANE: Ca~ap...
"Mihoshi? How? Why?"
NOA:(Tenchi) What? Where? How? AKANE:(ditto) More importantly, who?!
"It's that damned vibrator, I finally couldn't take it any more, and I snapped! I threw... I threw the damned dildo out the window!" she wailed.
TWISTER: And there was much rejoicing. OTHERS:(bored) Yay...
"D-dildo?" Tenchi stammered, confused and embarrassed.
ALL: Yes, Tenchi... dildo.
"It was her favorite, she loved it. She was always using it, it was driving me crazy. That buzzing, that infernal buzzing! I couldn't help it, I snapped! _She_ snapped! Now I've got to find it, replace it, something, _anything_..." She glanced around furtively, as if hoping that a traveling dildo salesman would suddenly walk into view.
Unfortunately for her, Mrs. Ikeuchi already had an appointment elsewhere.
NOA:(Ikeuchi-san) Hello, dearie. I'm the Happy Porno Lady. AKANE:(Urd) Come on in!
"Well why didn't you just walk outside and get it? Give it back, she'll calm down," Ryoko said reasonably. Ayeka nodded agreement.
"You don't understand, I _threw_ it out the window, and there was this train passing by... I looked, I really looked," she said earnestly, rubbing her bruised arms unconsciously, "but I couldn't find it. Maybe it's in the train, maybe someone picked it up, I don't know! Now Mihoshi's on a rampage, we've both been fired, and I don't know what to _do_!" she cried.
KANEDA: Tomorrow, on Springer... TWISTER: The entire cast of Tenchi Muyo! (cold wind comes a-whistlin' through...)
Tenchi helped her stand and guided her back into the living room, letting the others close the door. "Don't worry," he soothed, putting an arm around her comfortingly. "We'll help you find it and calm Mihoshi down. Won't we?" he asked, looking back at the girls.
The nodded solemnly. Yes, they were willing to help.
TWISTER: I wonder what happens if they find it? KANEDA: Mihoshi is so grateful that she declares her love for all of them and they all break down into a huge orgy with the newly-recovered plaything. OTHERS: KANEDA!
OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE
ALL: FROINLAVEN! FROINLAVEN! FROINLAVEN! FROINLAVEN!
The Masks We Must Wear.
AKANE:(Nugar) Well, at least the ones _I_ must wear...
With apologies to Bob Barnes.
NOA:(Bob Barnes) Apology not accepted!
Ryoko chuckled evilly to herself as she climbed the stairs to Tenchi's bedroom. She was really starting to like this arrangement, because when one tired out, the other was ready to go.
AKANE AND KANEDA: LOGIC!
The last she had saw that day, the two had snuck off to his bedroom with the promise of preparing a surprise for her.
NOA AND TWISTER:(Ayeka and Tenchi as Jim Carrey) Snuck!
Ryoko _liked_ surprises.
TWISTER: Nugar doesn't like writing them, however. AKANE: Wait and see...
Carefully, she eased up to the door and rapped on it twice, sharply.
KANEDA:(Gene Wilder) What knockers! (Ryoko in fic glares at him.) Ulp...
The door was immediately jerked open and strong hands pulled her into the dark.
SAL: ALL RIGHT, RAPE! WOOOO! ALL:(sit cross-legged on chairs)
Ryoko barely had time to squeak in dismay as she was dragged in, but had plenty of time for slower noises as those same hands started wandering naughtily all over her body. She moaned as the strong, slender hands massaged and teased her breasts, forcefully backing her up to the wall beside the door.
TWISTER: I love how he makes use of the fanfic format here, because if this were filmed, it would be really cheesy if we couldn't see the other person.
Ryoko sensed rather than saw the figure drop to its knees and tug at her clothing. Her own hands helped the silent figure unwrap the obi, and their fingers intertwined as they dove beneath the band of Ryoko's panties.
NOA: Since when does Ryoko wear a formal kimono? KANEDA:(Ryoko) It's a statement.
Soon Ryoko was rocking in ecstacy, the forceful probings of her partner and the wall behind her the only things holding her upright. Her knees were jelly under this person's careful ministrations, and she sagged under her own weight, sliding down the wall and incidently flipping the light switch that had been digging into her back. The room was suddenly flooded with light, and Ryoko blinked down at the face of her dark lover.
Richard Nixon's pasty white face stared blankly back.
ALL:*BLAAAAAAAARRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!* ALMIGHTY:(voice) I'm going to have Big Red have a "talk" with that one... (Since the ending of the South Park movie, care to venture a guess on who's my vote for Satan's new bitch? ^_^ ~Mr. Cap Twister)
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Ryoko, walls no obtacle in her newfound desire to be _away_.
TWISTER:(singing) I've got to get awaaaaaaaaay...!
One hand came up and raised the mask, revealing Ayeka's stunned face as she examined the little pile of clothes Ryoko had inadvertantly left behind when she went insubstantial. "Ryoko? Tenchi, what's gotten into her?"
ALL:(sweatdrop. BIG sweatdrop) AKANE: When a hentai gets bored... on Current Affair.
Tenchi, tied up and gagged on the bed, of course said nothing. His eyes had also been shut tight since the first moment he saw the mask.
NOA: Easy, stomach...
"Oh, well," Ayeka sighed in resignation. "I'd best go get her." She ran out after the pirate.
KANEDA: I think the author's tryin' to make a statement about the Nixon administration... but, I'm probably wrong. TWISTER: What's there to state? He WAS the kind of guy to barge into someone's house like that.
Downstairs, Nobuyuki and Katsuhito were enjoying a quiet game of afterdinner chess in the living room. Nobuyuki was just about to say 'check' when-
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Ryoko as she ran through naked.
"Ryoko! Come back! I thought we were supposed to be exploring our sensuality together, dammit!" called Richard Nixon as he ran through a second later.
AKANE: And we have the joke!
"..." said Katsuhito.
"..." said Nobuyuki.
NOA: "..." said Noa.
"...was it just me, or did Richard Nixon just run through here wanting to explore his sexuality with Ryoko?"
AKANE:(Noboyuki) No, we're just in one of those Amrerican lemons.
"Yeah..."
Katsuhito frowned. "I was hoping it was just me."
ALL: So were we.
Nobuyuki tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Looked a little like Ayeka, too." Abruptly, he snapped his fingers. "I get it! Ayeka found my old Nixon mask! I havn't used that thing in _years_!" He chuckled in relief. "Ayeka makes Richard Nixon look _good_."
ALL: o_o;;;;;;;;;
Katsuhito turned and politely retched. Some things you didn't want to know about your son-in-law. Or your daughter.
Or even your grandson's girlfriends.
KANEDA: Or perverted fanboys' most creative of fantasies.
Tenchi: That's it? Surely not!
ALL: MAKE IT STOP!
Ragun: Of course it's not, and don't call me Shirley.
(And somewhere, in the distance, a cow can be heard) MOOOO! ALL: -_-;
This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is, however, the end of the beginning.
TWISTER: I REMEMBER that quote from somewhere...!
Ryoko&Ayeka: Does this mean we get to have sex with Tenchi even more?
KANEDA:(Nugar) No, Tenchi gets Kiyone whilst you two get each other. AKANE: The perfect sequel to a PERVERTED LEMON!
Ragun: Heh. No. Enjoy it while you can girls, cause next time, Katsuhito lays down the rules, and it's no more sex until marriage, or at least until the arrangements are finalized with Ayeka's parents. But before anyone can even leave Earth to meet with them, Tenchi has to finish school and get out on spring vacation. And as we all know, several weeks simply cannot go by at the Masaki household without at least a few things happening.
NOA:(Nugar) Things that most certainly DON'T happen to me.
Be sure and stick with us for the next part of The Odd Man Out, Aurora of Rainbow Fire.
Sasami: It's just filler episodes.
TWISTER: Nugar's "Filler". NOA:(sags in chair and lets out a sigh of relief) It's DONE...! KANEDA: Thanks for the ONE BREAK, Washu! WASHU:(voice) Yeah, that was kinda long. You guys are getting better at this. AKANE AND NOA:(stand up and stretch) We're not GUYS! KANEDA: Holy sh*t! We forgot about Mihoshi! SAL: Yes... you did. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! ALL: O_O;;;......................................... (All bolt out of the theater as fast as anime makes it possible.)
********************************************************************** THE CREW OF THE HAMDINGER SAYS: **********************************************************************
AKANE: It got a little tasteless at times, and I know the omake was a bit cruel, but that wasn't bad for a lemon. There. That's all you're going to get from me.
NOA: This wasn't a REALLY hentai fic. Ecchi, at most. Technical quality was good and it's nice to see you kept it sensible, but I'm not one for porn.
KANEDA: Hey, you're a guy. Guys think about this stuff all the time, but a lot of 'em make it stupid. I spotted a little OOC in a LOT of spots, but it's fanservice. Cool with me.
TWISTER: I can tell your fingers weren't sticky when you typed this, which already makes it a cut above the weirdos. Not really erotic, but sensible where it matters. The characters were right out, even for Universe, but it's a lemon curse. Not bad for pron, but this couldn't be considered anything other than a fun bit of fanservice.
End theme: The Lonely Moon *********************************************************************** AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Well, that was certainly long. Thanks for staying all the way to the end. I don't really consider this a bad fic, but it made for great MST material in my opinion. You, the readers be the judge on how I handled it. I'm personally having a freakin' blast ^_^!
Remember, even the good lemons can be MSTed. It isn't a blasphemy, no matter what the naysayers think. No fic is perfect, and some of them can be handled like this.
Now that we've got the proverial ball rolling, I'm open for suggestions. Anybody here feel I dd a good enough job to take on something else? Send me your suggestions, flames, etc. etc. to:
mistatwista@hotmail.com
Until net time, Ja ne to all and to all a good Ja ne! ^_~ ************************************************************************ STINGER:
"Ryoko! Come back! I thought we were supposed to be exploring our sensuality together, dammit!" called Richard Nixon as he ran through a second later.