A Tenchi Muyo TV series lemon comedy by Nugar. Email the author at nugarthebarbarian@yahoo.com with any comments. All characters and situations copyright their creators, Hiroki Hayashi and Masaki Kajishima, and AiC and Pioneer and are used without permission. This is a nonprofit work only.
"He doesn't have any other girlfriends."
"No, that time I followed him all day, he barely said 'hello' to any other girls."
"Despite your opinion, he's not an alpha male. He's just not the man's man type."
"More like a woman's man."
"Yes, that certainly seems obvious. What is it about him that attracts... Ah, yes. I remember now."
"I thought you might. Even Kiyone an' Mihoshi are attracted to Tenchi."
"Yeah, and having to compete with your own sister hardly makes the chase fun." *sigh*
"I've seen the looks Sasami gives him when she thinks none of us are watching. I love her to death, but when it comes down to it..." The unspoken threat hung in the air.
"Yes, well, she's too young to worry about. Tenchi is a true gentleman, and he treats Sasami like his own sister."
"True. Unless, you don't think... ?"
"Never! I would know if Tenchi had any feelings like that towards my sister. There was that time in the bath, you know."
"I know, I know, I just can't help but be suspicious. Love makes us funny. _Why_, just tell me why he won't respond to my advances? And no cracks about him not wanting someone like me. Let's be serious, here."
"The thought hadn't crossed my mind. Really."
"Un, hunh."
"Maybe he is only attracted to earth girls?"
"In case you hadn't noticed, we both look like earth girls. Better, even. And you dress enough like these simpering little housewives that I find it hard to believe he could tell the difference."
"So that thought is out. And we've both played hard to get. If anything he was relieved."
"That was nasty. One of your worst ideas yet."
"Like your 'space slut from hell' tactic was doing any better."
"Well, that's it, I guess."
"What?"
"He must be gay."
"It would explain much... But let's not be hasty here. Surely there is some explanation, some way we can win Tenchi's love."
"How? We've already went through the book four times! It's three in the morning, I'm tired, you look like hell, and we're still no closer to our goal!"
"I don't know about _you_, but I refuse to give up. I will go through this book again and again, and if I still don't find the answer, I will look elsewhere!"
*sigh* "Never say that a princess has more dedication than a pirate. Gimme that thing."
****************
Kiyone awoke to her alarm clock far, far too early in the morning. She shifted slowly, stiff and sore from her night in the chair. One questing hand grabbed the clock off the floor and brought it to her bleary eyes. She read the time, groaned, and switched the alarm off before dropping it to the floor and closing her eyes again. It would take her a few minutes to marshal the strength necessary to simply move, much less make it through the day.
Less than a minute later, her hand once again flicked the switch, turning the alarm clock off.
One eye popped open. The alarm was still going.
"Oh, no..." she groaned, identifying the buzz this time. "Not now, not this." She covered her head with her pillow and turned.
Finally, a sense of urgency spurred her on, and she rose to get ready.
"Mihoshi! We've got to get to work!" she yelled, banging on the door.
"In a minute!" came the cheerful reply. "I'm almost finished!"
"Damn it, Mihoshi!" Kiyone growled. "Quit spanking your cabbit and get out here! We're going to be late!"
Kiyone would curse the day Mihoshi got that damned thing.
Often.
****************
"Alright. What do we know about Tenchi's mother?" Ryoko asked, leaning her head back against the edge of the luxurious furo Washu had created for the women of the house.
They had both fallen asleep at the table where they had sat at the entire previous night, and now they were cleaning up after they had finally awoken around lunchtime.
Ayeka held up one finger. "Well, for one, she's no longer with us. She died when he was very young."
"Yeah," she said, nodding.
"Two," Ayeka continued, "He's very fond of his memories of her, and misses her dearly."
Ryoko nodded again.
"Three, she took care of her family first and even helped at the shrine. She was an excellent cook and kept the house spotless."
"Old news there," Ryoko replied.
"Four, she liked to do housework in the nude."
Ryoko started to nod, then sat up spluttering. "Do _what_?"
Ayeka glanced over at her in surprise. "What, you mean you didn't see that photo album Mr. Masaki had in his hentai manga collection? Only he knows why he put it there, but there it was. I flipped through to see what it was, and there, in an eight by ten on the first page, nicely bordered I might add, he apparently liked it, was a picture of Tenchi's mom posing with the vacuum in the living room, and Tenchi was riding on it, also naked."
"Tenchi?! Naked?" Ryoko asked excitedly, skipping straight to the important bits.
"Oh, do calm down," Ayeka said peevishly. "He was only about two at the time."
Ryoko was visibly disappointed. "Oh, well, why didn't you say so in the first place?"
Ayeka sighed.
"Anyway," Ryoko began, "We've got a lead here! The book talks about odepial complexes getting started early, and we've got photo evidence that Tenchi watched his mom run around nude when he was young. Maybe, after her death, he subconsciously searched for another mother, or someone who acted like his own, and isn't showing any interest in either of us because neither of us is anything like his mother!"
Ayeka raised one eyebrow dubiously, but Ryoko continued speaking.
"So in order for us to really attract his attention, we need to project a strong motherly attitude. Make sure he eats his vegetables, doesn't run with sissors, cleans his room-"
"And I suppose you're going to start cooking, too? After what happened last time? I'm sure he'll really make the connection between you and his mother then. I'm sure his mother regularly set the kitchen on fire."
"Umm... I'll help Sasami. Besides, there's always housework."
Ayeka laughed. "You're going to vacuum in the nude?"
She nodded. "Sure, why not?"
Ayeka laughed again, and held up her hand. "Well, for one," she said, ticking off a finger, "it would be very improper." She ticked off another finger. "Two, it would be awfully shocking to everyone else. Including, I might add, his father and grandfather. And lastly, you'd just embarrass him."
Ryoko looked away, rethinking her plans. "Well, I'd just be sort of naked."
"Sort of naked?" she repeated questioningly. "How can you just be sort of naked?"
"I'd wear, you know, _some_ clothes. Just a few. Maybe a cut down maid outfit."
"Hah!" she laughed, pointed an accusing finger at the pirate. "The last time you were in a maid's uniform you did nothing but sleep. I doubt this time would be any different."
"Hmmph. I guess you're planning on overseeing every little thing I do to make sure it conforms to whatever ideas you have of cleanliness, oh Princess?" Ryoko retorted.
Ayeka turned her nose up. "Well, at least this way we'll actually get some help out of you around the house, even if it takes watching you prance around half-naked to do it. I, on the other hand, will try a more conservative approach."
"Like?" her rival asked.
"I," replied the princess, pointing to herself, "will dress much as his mother did when she wasn't posing for a family portrait and be as attentive as only a mother, or a wife, can."
"Deal," Ryoko replied. "Between the two of us we should be able to nail this. I'll be the naughty mommy and you can be the proper mommy." She held out her hand to seal the deal.
"Good," Ayeka said, accepting the hand. "One of us is bound to succeed."
Of course, each of them was certain that she would be the one.
****************
The next night, they reconvened over the book to scratch off yet another possible explaination.
"That's not it."
"Nope. Not it."
They sat in silence, stareing at nothing in particular as they considered their various failures.
It hadn't been a success. It hadn't been a disaster, which was rather more to be expected, but it hadn't been a success. It hadn't really been anything at all.
They had given it two nights and a morning, all the time Tenchi had been there, and had shown remarkable restraint. Ayeka was both busy around the house and completely attentative, yet had avoided being clingy. Ryoko, too, had been busy with housework, yet took the time to subtly bend over and display various portions of her anatomy in Tenchi's general direction, all without being blatant about it.
Tenchi hadn't even noticed, other than to compliment Sasami for another wonderful meal. He hadn't even seemed to notice that they had helped out more than usual, and the second night he had pleaded exhaustion and gone to bed early.
Thus, they ended up sitting around the table with the guide to men between them, unopened.
"You know..." Ryoko began, then stopped.
"No, what?" Ayeka asked, looking at her rival.
"It's almost like he's taking us for granted," she finished.
"Yes," Ayeka replied, frowning.
They sat in silence for a few more moments, thinking dire thoughts about men who didn't pay enough attention to the women in their lives.
"Things are getting desperate. There's only one short step between being treated like furniture and being completely forgotten."
"So what are we to do?" Ayeka said suddenly. "We're losing. Tenchi isn't interested. I don't know why, but he's not interested!" She hit the book with one fist, a rare display of anger not directed at her rival. Even Ryoko seemed surprised.
"Well, what if he is?" she ventured.
Ayeka turned on her. "Is what?" she asked testily.
"Is gay."
Ayeka's mouth opened, then closed with a snap. "I... Don't know. I suppose, at this point, that we must consider it a very real possibility. What do you propose?"
The pirate's face crinkled up, almost as if she had bit into something sour. "I'm not sure."
"Oh." Ayeka picked up the book and started flipping through it randomly.
"I do have an idea, though."
Ayeka stopped paging through the book, although she didn't turn to look at Ryoko.
Ryoko leaned forward, dropping her voice to a whisper. "I saw it on television the other day. This guy was trying to get this other guy to do something he didn't want to do, so he gave him a hypnotic suggestion."
This time Ayeka did turn around, with an expression of skepticism and incredulity on her face. "Hypnosis? Do you even realise how silly that sounds? And besides, just how do you think you'd get him to sit still for it?"
Ryoko shook her head. "Not hypnosis, exactly. We don't want him acting like a monkey or anything," she jabbed with a sudden grin, referring to a popular party trick among mixed species.
As it was usually aimed at Juraians, Ayeka bristled in indignation.
Ryoko hastened to explain further. "It was something he did while the other guy was asleep. He made a recording of himself whispering what he wanted the other guy to do over and over again, then put it it a playback device and hid it under the other guy's bed. It played all night without him knowing. It's supposed to be true, you can even learn things in your sleep that way."
"Either way, it's still a stupid idea," Ayeka said frankly. "Let me ask you this; on the TV, did it work?"
Ryoko looked down and tapped her two index fingers together awkwardly. "Sort of not exactly," she admitted finally.
Ayeka threw up her hands and turned away. "Well, there you go."
"But it wasn't because it was a bad plan," she protested. "He got the tapes mixed up and the one that was actually in the playback machine was pop music. But it's still a valid idea! The guy later won first place in a kareoke contest! As long as we don't make a mistake like that we'll be fine."
Ayeka sniffed, clearly disbelieving.
"Look," she said, clearly exasperated. "If you can come up with a better idea I'll be glad to hear it."
"Err... Um..."
"Well, there you go," Ryoko said in a snide parody of Ayeka's earlier words. "He's asleep now, so let's give it a shot."
"Well, alright. It can't hurt to try," Ayeka admitted.
****************
"How come I have to do it?"
"Because," Ayeka replied in a whisper. "It's your crazy idea, so you go."
Ryoko grumbled a few moments, glancing around where they stood just outside Tenchi's bedroom door. Then she shrugged and floated up a few inches off the ground before teleporting through the door.
After all, 'Ryoko is nice, Ayeka is a bitch,' could be whispered into his ear just as well as anything else.
Soundlessly, with practiced ease, Ryoko floated up to hover over Tenchi's bed, pausing to admire the way he curled up beneath the covers.
Tenchi had indeed been very tired, and he now slept like a log.
Ryoko leaned down, putting her lips only inches away from his ear, and whispered, "Don't be gay, Tenchi. Don't be gay."
Tenchi stirred uneasily, and Ryoko was afraid he was going to wake up, but he simply rolled over, forcing her to use his other ear.
"Don't be gay... Don't be gay..." she whispered, over and over again, until even Tenchi was beguiled by the soothing rhythm and started mumbling along in his sleep.
"...be gay... ...be gay..."
Only not quite.
"No!" Ryoko hissed, her voice rising as she wondered how she was going to explain this one. "Don't be gay!"
"...be gay..."
"Don't be gay, Tenchi! Don't!" Ryoko insisted.
"Don't... Don't..."
Ryoko wiped sweat from her forehead, relieved that he finally got the idea.
"Don't, Tenchi, be gay..." he mumbled.
"Well, damn." Now was was she going to do? Ah, an idea.
"You like girls... you like girls...
"...like girls... ...like girls..."
(Yes!) Ryoko exulted inwardly. Now, time for a little gratuitous self plugging. "Yes, you like girls... You like Ryoko... You like Ryoko..."
Tenchi, as was his wont, got it mixed up. Again. "Don't like girls... Ryoko, be gay..."
Ryoko tore at her hair in frustration. She just HAD to get greedy. "Tenchi likes girls... Tenchi likes girls..."
A few hundred repititions later, he obediently mumbled along, "Tenchi like girls... Tenchi like girls..."
Ah, well. Close enough. Ryoko teleported away.
It was a good thing subliminal sleep messages don't work, or Tenchi might have been _really_ confused.
Outside, Ayeka looked up from where she was nodding off against the wall as Ryoko touched down onto the floor with a soft thump. "Did it work?" she asked, concern written on her face.
"I dunno," Ryoko said, and shrugged. "I don't know how to tell, either."
Ayeka thoughtfully tapped her lip with a finger. "Well, I do have an idea there..."
****************
Early in the morning, right on time, Tenchi woke to his alarm clock, lurched out of bed, and stumbled out the door and down the hall on his way to the bathroom.
As he walked, he noticed Ryoko and Ayeka standing naked inside a room off the hall, the door standing wide open.
"Good morning, Tenchi!" they chorused in harmony.
"Good morning," he mumbled, not slowing down in the slightest.
A few moments later, the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing reached their ears.
Ayeka punched Ryoko in the arm. "It'll work just like on TV she says. What could go wrong she says."
Ryoko glared back and rubbed her arm.
Their heads whipped back around to the door as they heard a door slam back in its frame and the sound of rapidly running footsteps.
Tenchi screeched to a stop in the doorway, breathing heavily and looking inside the room at them. He stared for about five seconds, then punched himself in the head. He staggered back a few steps, apparently having overdone it a bit, then recovered and looked again.
Yep, still there, still naked, still with 'I love you, Tenchi!' written across each of their stomachs.
He blinked. "I am NOT dreaming."
"No, you're not," Ayeka agreed, shifting uncomfortably.
"Care to join us?" Ryoko offered, one eyebrow arched suggestively.
And oddly enough, both of them had their eyes fixed on his boxer shorts, which stood out so proudly as they tended to do in the morning.
THEN his nose started bleeding, THEN he got embarrassed, and THEN he ran for the bathroom.
Ryoko punched Ayeka in the arm. "Toldya it would work."
Ayeka nodded and rubbed her arm. "He did get a woody from looking at us, I must admit." Here, the use of the term 'woody' was a direct translation of the Juraian slang term for an erection. With a culture as tree-oriented as theirs, all of their slang, especially sexual slang, were tree references.
Ryoko turned and looked at Ayeka.
Ayeka looked at Ryoko.
And they both broke out into an impromptu dance number, naked, in the bedroom.
****************
Later that day, while Tenchi was at school, Nobuyuki was at work, Sasami was reading a manga outside, and Ayeka and Ryoko were arguing at the table over an open book, a door under the stairs opened silently, and out stepped the cutest, and the greatest, scientific mind in the universe.
It was housed in a child-like body with long, bright red hair, a body that was currently munching absentmindedly on some Cinnamon Toast Crunch out of a box she carried around with her.
Of _course_ she could see why they were so great. She wasn't called the greatest scientific genius in the universe for nothing.
"Hello! Is anyone home?" called Washu, discarding the now empty box in a wastebasket as she wandered the house in search of companionship.
Arguing voices drew her attention as she neared the living room, and she quickly walked that way.
Inside, Ryoko and Ayeka sat on opposite sides of a low table, sitting on the edge of their seats as they leaned forward to argue some specific point.
"Hiya!" Washu chirped brightly. "What are you two doing?"
They jumped, startled.
"Oh, Washu...chan!" Ayeka began, nearly forgetting but rallying in the middle to avoid annoying her housemate. "How have you been?"
Washu smiled happily and plopped down beside her. "Good, good, and I'm glad to see you haven't forgotten me."
"Amazing isn't it?" Ryoko commented, giving her a sideways look. "But we had a betting pool going, I had my money on 'blew up in experiment gone wrong.'"
Washu frowned. "And you, Ayeka?"
"'Accidentally transported to another galaxy,'" admitted the princess shamefacedly.
"Hmph. Like a genius like me could be done in by something so simple. So, what has been going on around here?" She leaned forward to see the book better.
"Umm, we had a little get together, but your door was locked and we couldn't get you," Ayeka replied.
"That was to keep the bubble-head out," she replied, picking up the book and flipping through it rapidly.
"Sasami is outside, I think, Tenchi has gone to school, and-"
"You two are trying to seduce him, but you're not having any success."
"Bingo," replied Ryoko.
"A simple deduction. What all have you tried?"
"Everything but getting him drunk or using an aphrodisiac." Ayeka sighed.
"And that was only because we didn't want to resort to chemicals. That's not love," Ryoko explained.
"It's starting to look better, though."
Ryoko nodded.
"Let me get this straight," Washu began. "You're going through all these different methods, trying to win Tenchi's love?"
They nodded.
"It would help if we knew what personality type he was." Ayeka supplied. "Then we would know what tactic to use."
Washu threw down the book and up her hands. "Great Seldon! You haven't figured it out yet? Ah! I'm going to find Sasami, and maybe some intelligent conversation." She stood to leave.
"Wait!" Ayeka said, grabbing at her shirt.
"You mean you know the secret?" Ryoko asked, leaning forward eagerly.
Washu nodded disdainfully. "Of course. I've _known_ it."
"Tell us! Please!"
She shook her head. "I'll be back in a few hours to see if you've got it. I'll give you a hint: It's not in the book."
****************
True to her word, several hours later she returned to find them in much the same positions. Happy, fed a nice, fresh meal, and her loneliness assuaged for a while, Washu once again settled down a little ways away from the two girls.
"Well?" she asked smugly. "Figured it out yet?"
They wordlessly shook their heads.
"I thought not." She sighed. "Fools. Great, ignorant, _blind_, lovesick fools."
They started to get indignant.
"Look, not everyone can be a great scientific genius like you!" Ryoko protested angrily.
"Yeah!" Ayeka seconded.
Washu preened under the appellation, then turned to them seriously. "Still, anyone could have figured it out by now. But since you're determined to act like little schoolgirls, I'll tell you."
"Yes?" they asked, leaning forward in anticipation.
"He already loves you. _Both_ of you." She carefully omitted the rest of the list. Best not to confuse the two any more than they already were.
They hit the floor.
"What?! He loves me? And her?" they both said, turning to point at each other.
"Yep. You've both been so busy trying to win him before the other that you simply haven't noticed. Well, I have. I've been around, I've seen the looks he gives you. And I do mean both of you." Washu ran her hand through her hair, thinking of her experiment in progress.
"But why hasn't he said something?"
"Yeah, why not? He's got to know I'm in love with him," Ryoko added.
Washu shrugged. "He's probably seen you fighting each other so much he's scared to, especially if it seems he likes one of you more than the other. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I found his personality type in that book you two seemed to have so much faith in. It's under 'weenie'. You probably skipped it over because 'the man you love couldn't be a weenie!'."
"How can you be so sure he loves us?" Ryoko challenged. "You spend all your time in your lab, you can't be everywhere."
Washu shrugged. "Ask him if you don't believe me. I mean it, go right up to him and ask. I want the money from the betting pool if I'm right. Until then, I've been away from my experiment too long." She left them still staring in shock.
Weenie- as described by 'Secrets of Seduction volume one.'
Weenie- Any of many personality types that have absolutely no spine, at least with the opposite sex. These are frequently the hardest to figure out, as they manifest in so many different ways.
The most common is the 'recluse', a type characterized by their seclusion and complete lack of social skills. This translates to shyness and avoidance of conversation, which can be very frustrating when trying to start one.
Another common type is the 'weak-willed.' This sub-group is truly pathetic, bowing to anyone at any time, male or female. Some few are actually normal when among members of their own species, but around women will fold under the slightest hint of disapproval. (See Mother complexes.)
Somewhat rarer are the 'manly-weenies', completely confident, boastful, aggressive to the extreme around men, and always avoiding the issue with women. These may even try to make up for their lack of confidence with the opposite sex by womanizing, or even abusing those who do not do their bidding. USE EXTREME CAUTION.
Lastly, there are those who do not seem to fit any mold. They can be brave, calm, nervous, frightened, suave, almost any type in the book, but will not make the move in any relationship. These are hard to spot, but may actually be the most common. Only extreme dedication can break through to them, and most women give up at what they perceive as disinterest or possible homosexuality.
With all weenies, it depends on the woman. Some will respond well to non-threatening actions, but this makes for a very slow, if a quietly passionate, relationship. Others must be led hand and foot, ideal for dominant women. If a situation can be found where the weenie is forced to rely only on himself with others at stake, most weenies will finally come into their own. (See Reluctant heroes.) Unfortunately, situations like these are incredibly hard to come by or arrange. It is suggested that when dealing with weenies, be direct. Don't let him beat around the bush.
"Oh," Ryoko said.
"Well then," Ayeka added.
Something occurred to Ryoko, and she immediately started flipping through the book until she came upon something she had noted in passing. With a quiet 'Ah hah,' she jabbed her finger at it and passed the book over to Ayeka.
The princess accepted it, then violently pushed it away, blushing bright red. "A threesome!" she exclaimed indignantly. "Ryoko, you pervert!"
Ryoko knocked her on the forehead with one knuckle. "Knock it off and read what it says, idiot!"
Ayeka reluctantly did as she was bade, absobing all the available information about men and their favorite sexual fantasy (according to a survey of 5616 men), which involved themselves and two women. At the end of it, she frowned.
"A possible explaination, no?" Ryoko ventured.
Ayeka slammed the book closed. "He's holding out because he wants us both, that little..."
Ryoko shook her head. "While I don't doubt that he wants us both, especially now that Washu has-"
A distant yell of "-CHAN!" reached their ears.
"...Chan has confirmed it, do you honestly think Tenchi is the type of man to do something like that?" she finished, looking at her rival expectantly.
Ayeka sighed. "No, no, of course not. But still, why hasn't he made a move? Some indication?"
"He does seem rather reluctant to make the first move, or indeed any move," the pirate agreed, taking the book back and turning it back to the page on weenies.
Ayeka took the book back and reread the entry where Ryoko left her finger. "Ideal for dominant women... Ah hah..."
"Bingo," Ryoko said smugly, pleased that she had figured it out before the true Juraian.
"In retrospect, it's so obvious, arg! What were we thinking?" Ayeka exclaimed agitatedly, slapping a hand over her face.
Ryoko shrugged. "We're so used to dealing with those of other cultures and adapting to their ways-"
"That we never stopped to consider that Tenchi might be just like a man from our own," Ayeka finished for her. "Patient, non-confrontational, and never, ever in the lead in a relationship, just like a Juraian male."
"And so what this situtation calls for is the exact same approach that we would use on Jurai or one of the older colonies," Ryoko explained. "We don't entice him, he entices us. Of course, that step is long over with, so now all we have to do is tie him up and ravish him."
"Ryoko! You're a genius!" Ayeka cried. "I'm so happy I could kiss you! I'm not, of course, but I could!" She frowned. "Wait a minute. What's this 'we' business?"
Ryoko gave her a patented smirk. "You might want to reconsider on that kiss, 'cause you better get used to the idea. We. As in, I and you."
"You and I," Ayeka corrected absentmindedly.
"That's what I said, yes," Ryoko replied. "I gave you your chance last time, and you turned it down. No more, girlie. Me first."
"Wait, wait, wait a minute," she protested, holding up a hand. "We still haven't finished the 'we' discussion."
Ryoko raised an eyebrow. "What 'we' discussion? Tenchi loves us both, right? Washu-chan, the greatest genius in the universe, said so, right? Are you willing to risk it all on a, well, no, double wouldn't be right in this case, single or nothing gamble that he loves you more than me? With stakes this high?"
The princess shook her head without hesitation. "When you put it that way..."
"Damn straight, neither am I," the pirate replied honestly. "Look, we're both responsible adult women in the prime of our lives, we can tolerate each other's presence, barely, and there's this gorgeous hunk of a man right here who happens to want us both. If sacking him means pushing your lard ass out the way when you wander over into the wrong territory, well then, grab some rope sister, because we're going plundering."
Ayeka remained silent through this, at one point leaning back into her chair and closing her eyes.
Ryoko, having finished, waited for a response. And it had better be a yes, because Ayeka had the power to screw everything up, and Ryoko was dammned if she was going to spend yet another lonely night dreaming of Tenchi.
"Do we even have any rope?" Ayeka asked, opening her eyes.
This was not one of the several posible responses Ryoko had envisioned, and she wasn't sure what it meant. "What?"
"I said, 'Do we have any rope?'" she repeated. "Chains would be better, more traditional, but rope will do. On second thought, forget the rope. There are two of us, one can hold him down and the other can climb his tree."
It took Ryoko a minute to decipher that. "Is that a 'Yes,'" she hazarded.
"We can ambush him today, as soon as he gets off the bus. There's a clump of bushes just off the path, and a soft patch of ground a little way beyond that that would be ideal for a preliminary ravishing." Ayeka's expression betrayed no humor, it appeared she was all business.
Ryoko gaped, not having expected the level of enthusiasm Ayeka was showing. She fumbled for the words, eventually asking, "What happened to your old attitude, Princess? 'My mind and body are pure, make love to me!'"
"It has changed with the times," Ayeka replied levelly. "Now it's 'My mind is filled with lascivious thoughts and my body aches for your touch, take me now, Tenchi!'"
Ryoko waited for the heat in her face and ears to go away before replying. "That was very quick."
"I thought so, too," Ayeka agreed. "What can I say, I had you for a role-model."
She shook her head in astonishment. "Really, I'm quite surprised at you. I had no idea you were this hard up."
"Did you know that Juraian royalty are forbidden to masturbate?" Ayeka asked conversationaly. "Supposedly, the incredible repression of our urges makes us more driven, more powerful, able to dominate the masses. In reality, it gives us an incredible drive to get married, fast, and early, to whomever we can, which I suppose is just as useful for political purposes. By and large, it simply means that members of the Juraian royal family fornicate with each other and commoners on a regular basis, forgoing the love found in marrige for a cheap release and dramatically increasing the number of bastard royalty.
Of course, as the crown princess, I am also forbidden from such base activities until such time as I find a husband. Alas, I am discriminating, nay, picky, and I despaired of ever finding a suitable mate. Oh, there are ways, to be sure. Fantasy is a good example of bending the rules. And then I met Tenchi. I was content to wait at first, but you know, it seems to get harder and harder every day. So, in explaination, yes, Ryoko, this princess is horny, and I'd appreciate it if you'd CUT ME SOME SLACK and help me plan an ambush," Ayeka finished, gently shaking Ryoko to better emphasise her point.
Ryoko was taken aback, and indeed slightly rattled. (To think... No way.) She shuddered at the thought. It was a wonder Ayeka wasn't a violent psychopathic genocidal murderer or something by now. Come to think of it, it _would_ explain a lot. "Um, Ayeka, we do have to ask first. Just to make sure he does love me. Us, love us."
"Fine." An unholy light burned in her eyes, and the air ionised and crackled. "First we ask, THEN we ravish."
Judging from her tone and posture, Ryoko wasn't real sure that Ayeka would accept 'no' for an answer.
****************
Mihoshi fidgeted nervously, only one thing on her mind as she finally arrived home from work. "Umm, I'll be in the bedroom, Kiyone. Okay?"
Kiyone sighed. "Whatever, just keep it down."
"Thanks, Kiyone!" Mihoshi's head bobbed happily as she disappeared into the other room.
Nearly as fast, Kiyone dove for her chair, quickly reaching behind it and grabbing a Walkman and jamming the headphones over her ears. Almost as fast she hit the play button and turned the volume up to max, drowning out the real world in a harsh wail of an electric guitar pushed to its physical and technical limits.
Somewhere on the other side of a very thin wall, another electric buzz pushed to its limits could be heard, but not through the distortion in Kiyone's ears.
Now all she had to do was kill time, just an hour or so.
Two, three tops.
Nodding her head along with music she didn't really enjoy, Kiyone picked up a paper she'd gotten earlier that week from the table and sat down in her chair.
"Ah, let's see what's in the paper."
*rustle*
"Wow, that outfit is cute."
*rustle*
"A housewife's solution to speed up shopping, that sounds useful."
Several minutes later, another rustle could be heard, but not by Kiyone.
"Etiquette on the subway, do's and don'ts. I'd better take notes, this could be important in earth culture." Dutifully, she read the article, rereading to make sure she understood, and jotted down careful notes on a stray piece of paper.
*rustle*
"Terrorists flood a shopping mall with poisonous gas." She sighed. "I wish I had some poisonous gas..."
*rustle*
"Business section. Maybe I'll pick up a few tips on making money. Let's see, invest your interest accruement now, save tax trouble later. That does sounds helpful." A note of quiet desperation entered her voice.
*rustle*
"Ah, looks like Sony stocks jumped another six points," she continued to read, not really understanding. She nodded as if she'd just made a particularly profound statement, or perhaps she'd just been nodding to the music.
The harsh screech of an electric guitar with heavy reverb and distortion ground to a halt. Just as quickly, a distant hum filtered in through the foam padding covering her ears.
Calmly, she stroked the volume control, turning it all the way up. It was already all the way up. "Now, now, don't panic," she said out loud, setting the newspaper to the side. "Cleansing breaths, cleansing breaths... I probably bumped the button and all I have to do is hit play." She looked. Nope, the play button was firmly engaged, and the pause button hadn't been touched. Her heart thudded in her ears. Franticly, she shook the tape player, banging it against the side of her chair in the desperate hope that it was only jammed.
Sadly, it was not to be.
"Oh, no," she said to herself. The batteries had ran down. They just _had_ to run down in the one thing preserving her sanity and not that bubble headed blonde's sextoy.
Mihoshi chose that moment to make an undulating, whiny sound as the buzzing jumped up a notch.
That was it. Kiyone could take no more. Calmly, deliberately, she set down the Walkman and stood up. Her eye twitched sporadically in unison with the soft moans that filtered through the thin wall. The hard buzzing slowly frayed her nerves as she stalked to the door separating the two.
****************
Tenchi turned and waved as he got off the bus, a last goodbye to the people he rode with.
Ayeka and Ryoko stood staring expectantly at him when he turned back around.
"Whaa!" he yelled, startled. "Don't do that!"
They apologized contritely, then gestured for him to walk between them.
"Ah, Tenchi..." Ayeka began, then hesitated. Old habits die hard, and she was still used to acting like a silly schoolgirl around Tenchi. She'd also had a few hours to calm down, and the fight with Ryoko over being dumped in a freezing section of the furo, not to mention the cold water itself, did wonders to calm her down.
"We were wondering..." Ryoko added.
"Yes, we have been pondering this question for some time now," Ayeka continued.
"Weeks."
"Months."
He started to grow nervous. "Yes? What is it?"
"Well," Ryoko said, "as you no doubt know, we think of you in..."
"Affectionate terms," Ayeka supplied helpfully.
"Ah, yes, _affectionate_ terms, thank you, Ayeka."
(Oh, hell,) he thought, switching his bag from one hand to the other. (They're getting along and being far too serious. I hope no one died.)
"We were sort of wondering..."
"If maybe, you know, you felt... Ah, we want to know if-"
"Do you love us? Either of us?" Ryoko finally asked bluntly.
Tenchi's mouth froze and his brain locked up. "Ah?" They all stopped in the middle of the path.
"Do you love us?" she repeated, quicker this time. "Because if you don't, I'll... I'll... I don't know what I'll do."
"Tenchi, we love you. Very, very much, but I have to know, do you love us back?" Ayeka's expression was pleading. "It hurts, it's tearing me up inside. I have to know, my love."
Tenchi's mouth worked like a fish trying to breath air. No sounds emerged.
"Tell us Tenchi, _please_," Ryoko begged. "I can take it if you don't, but I've got to know."
Still, he couldn't speak.
"Tenchi, I'm only going to ask, no," Ayeka corrected, "I'm _telling_ you, right now, tell us if you love us or not."
"yes" It was a tiny sound, almost a squeak, but it had enormous impact.
"Oh, Tenchi!" they both sobbed, grabbing him into a tight hug that barely interfered with each other at all. They both showered him with kisses, tears running down both of their faces.
He awkwardly hugged them back, wondering just what he'd gotten himself into.
"Tenchi," Ayeka choked out. "You don't know how long I've wanted to hear those words."
"Yes, I love you," he said, louder this time. "I love you both, but I just couldn't tell you... I was afraid, I guess." Words came more easily to him, as, fortunately, did his breath. They both had slacked off on the hug and leaned back to look at him. His gaze traveled from one to the other and back.
Ryoko rubbed her head against the side of his chest, nuzzling him contentedly. It wasn't as good as an 'I love you only.', but she wasn't complaining. No, not at all. Not yet, anyway.
Ayeka kissed him firmly on the lips, breaking contact as Ryoko moved in for her turn.
Tenchi blushed furiously, liking the sensation but fumbling and inept in execution.
"Tenchi, Tenchi, it has been so lonely, wanting you but you've been so distant... You like playing hard to get, don't you?" Ryoko grinned.
"Umm, I was just so confused..." he trailed off, not really knowing what to say.
"I know, Tenchi, my one and only love. But we couldn't take it any longer. I've been in love with you from the moment we shared a walk together, and you've always been so sweet and kind, you took us in and made us feel like family. I can never repay you for everything you have done." She put a finger to his lips as he started to protest. "No, let me finish. You are everything I've ever wanted and more. Love is a rare thing for a princess to find, and I've got to be the luckiest one in the universe."
He blushed more and stammered into silence.
"And me the luckiest pirate," Ryoko added. "Tenchi, you're brave, strong, selfless, all the things I'd like to be, but can't live up to. And," she smiled at him, giving him a quick peck on the nose, "You're cute, too."
"Handsome."
"Manly."
"Desirable."
"Definitely sexy."
"Tenchi, do you find me attractive?" Ayeka asked, unable to stand it any longer.
"Yes!" he squeaked, blushing even brighter now.
"How about me?" Ryoko asked, pressing her breasts into his side. She brought one of his hands up and ran it over her cleavage, even as Ayeka started doing the same. "Well? Do I excite you? I hope so. As Ayeka would put it, do I make your tree grow when I offer myself to you?"
"Y-yes! Both of you, yes!" he exclaimed, eyes wide. A thin trickle of blood came from his nose at the memory of some of those instances.
They both stepped back and put their hands on their hips. "Well then, why have you never done anything?"
"Yes, I would give myself freely, and gladly, but you never asked," Ayeka pouted.
His eyebrows were raised to the fullest, and his breathing came in shorter and shorter gasps. "I-I-I..."
They both frowned at him seriously and exchanged a look.
"Now that we've got everything straightened out," Ayeka began.
"I certainly hope you don't expect us to wait for your touch as long as we've waited for your love. Us girls have our needs, too."
Adrenaline pumped, his heart pounded, and his vision narrowed. "Touch...?"
Ryoko jerked open her top, exposing her breasts. "I'm yours, Tenchi."
"Umm, me, too," Ayeka agreed, looking around first. "'I want your bod, un hunh, uh hunh,'" she quoted from a dim memory. Tenchi would probably understand an Earth term better than 'I want to climb your tree and swing through the branches,' accompanied by a few 'ook' 'ook' noises, which was the Juraian equivilent.
Ryoko whacked her on the back of the head. "Quit fooling around!"
Tenchi took advantage of the distraction to bolt like a frightened cabbit.
"Aww, now look what you've done," Ryoko complained bitterly.
"He certainly does like to run," Ayeka said, nodding and rubbing the back of her head.
"Or maybe," Ryoko said thoughtfully, "he just likes to be chased. And I bet he'll enjoy being caught!" She took off running after him. "Last one to catch him has to go second!"
"What the, HEY!" Ayeka protested as Ryoko disappeared in a teleport.
****************
Mihoshi lay on her back, writhing luxuriously against the sheets as she let the magic apparatus perform its miracles. Sweat glistened on her nude form, highlighting her full breasts and taught stomach as she ran her hands up to pinch and tease her nipples.
Faint light from the lamps outside filtered in through the drawn blinds, casting flickering shadows on the wall as the blinds stirred slightly. Shapeless voids moved sensuously before Mihoshi's slitted eyes, causing vaguely obscene images to form in her pleasure fogged mind.
She slid one long tanned calf up her other leg, drawing them together to feel the warm, twitching, humming mass press against the inside of her thighs. Then she brought her hands down, running them along her hips and over, following the line where her legs joined her body to run lightly through her damp curly hair.
Suddenly the door was ripped from its sliding tracks, causing Mihoshi to bolt upright, eyes wide and her hands still at her crotch, the pressure of her arms at her sides making her breasts stand out even more. Her startled gasp held equal parts surprise and pleasure as her shift in position caused the futon to press strongly against the back of the vibrator, forcing it to greater depths. Desperately, she stabbed at the switch with one finger, bringing heavy silence to the room.
Kiyone stood in the doorway, breathing heavily. Her hands were pressed against the sides of the frame and her legs were close together at the bottom, giving her a slightly crazed look with the way her head sagged forward. The glow from the other room gave her a heavenly backlight, but to Mihoshi she looked far more demonic. Wood creaked in protest from the force she exerted to keep her arms straight in such a small opening.
"Mihoshi..." she growled, a guttural, primalistic sound that cut through the air like a knife.
The word partner wandered through Mihoshi's mind in search of something to connect with. All she could say was, "Oh, yes..." almost questioningly at first, but drawing it out into a sibilant hiss.
"Mihoshi..." Kiyone repeated, louder and firmer, yet the rest of the thought could not, would not follow.
The word dominant wandered through Mihoshi's mind in search of something to connect with. She looked at Kiyone, then down at herself, then, giving her partner a heavy-lidded gaze and pursing her mouth cutely, she slowly ran her hands up her stomach to tweak her already hard nipples to bright red ripeness. As close to climax as Mihoshi was, she could only imagine one reason for her friend to interrupt her private time. Giving Kiyone what could only be described as an innocently hopeful smile, she cupped and thrust her breasts forward in offering.
Kiyone's hands tightened around the doorframe, the creak of tortured wood causing Mihoshi's breath to quicken. Deliberately, Kiyone stopped the outward show of emotion, bringing every muscle under her conscious control. Taking a deep, calming breath, she cleared her throat. "Actions," she said in a barely controlled voice, "speak louder than words." She lowered her hands and stalked forward into the room, hands balled into fists at her sides.
Mihoshi squeezed her breasts, kneading them softly as her partner approached. Little moans of anticipation escaped her lips, and one hand started trembling as she released it and used it for support as she leaned back, drawing her knees up closer and keeping them pressed together.
Kiyone stopped at the foot of the futon, staring down at the blonde with a smoldering gaze. She leaned forward and set one knee on the futon, taking her weight and crawling forward on her hands, leaving one foot on the floor. Her dark hair was severely frizzed, sticking out around her head and forming a halo in the light from behind her.
Mihoshi leaned farther back, using her other hand for support as well. Her breath now came in short, shuddering gasps, and her eyes never left the woman coming for her.
Kiyone stopped before her hands reached Mihoshi's feet, leaving her stretched and taut, one leg trailing off the foot of the futon. Her eyes bore into Mihoshi intensely, brooking no disobedience.
Mihoshi rubbed her knees together in small circular motions, then, at Kiyone's wordless command, spread them far apart, leaving herself open and vulnerable. Her hands twisted and gripped tightly at the sheets.
The rumble of an oncoming train started shaking the cheap apartment.
Kiyone's eyes dropped from Mihoshi's, never losing their focus as they traveled down to the vee of blonde hair and the round purplish knob protruding from between tender pink lips. She shifted her balance to one arm and raised the other, disregarding all notions of being subtle as she reached directly toward her goal.
Mihoshi squeaked as Kiyone's startlingly cold hands brushed her loins, getting a good solid grip on the molded plastic. "Nyuhaaa," she voiced, biting her lip. Every muscle in her body tensed to the fullest as Kiyone withdrew the long, semi-flexible shaft. Her gasp of relief mixed in with Kiyone's quiet 'ah'.
The rumbling got progressively louder.
Kiyone raised back onto her knees, bringing her other leg forward to better bear her weight. From her lofty vantage point, she looked down on Mihoshi's trembling form with an unreadable expression. Quirkily, she examined the complicated little device in her hands, even turning it on several times in quick succession to watch the expansion rings travel up its glistening length and hear the accompanying buzz.
Mihoshi watched apprehensively, fearing what strange things her partner would do to her, yet needing them at the same time.
Kiyone continued to ignore her, toying with the twisting vibrator. Then, before Mihoshi could do or say anything else, she hurled it through the blinds and glass of the window with all of her hate-fueled strength.
*CRASH*
Mihoshi stared in complete disbelief at the ragged, sextoy- shaped hole in the brittle plastic blind, the roar of a passing train echoing the pounding in her ears.
"Ahhh... I feel _so_ much better now," Kiyone said, back to her old self. Rather awkwardly ignoring Mihoshi's spread- eagled form and the sticky moisture on her hands, she got off the futon and left the room without another word.
Mihoshi stared mutely at the last hole her favorite toy would go through, then down at her own aching body. A stuttered "B-but..." died on her lips as she watched Kiyone carefully prop the door up behind her and wedge it closed, leaving her alone in the dark.
An anguished wail split the night.
Mihoshi: WTF was that?! No, I don't care what happens next chapter! I need something NOW!
Ryoko: Too bad for her, but the next chapter focuses on Tenchi and I.
Ayeka: Hey!
Ryoko: Oh, don't worry. There's a little surprise in there for you, too. (heh heh heh...) So be sure and read the final chapter of Needful Things, Pirate Games.
Tenchi: It's pure lemon.